A means to an end

Things were getting better but now instead of huge blow outs it's itty bitty fights and I know I cause some of them because I can be stubborn, idiotic and all around fucking stupid but why is it that I get to beat myself up constantly about these things while she just gets to wait around for me to apologize, I'm trying to get my life together but one step forwards Is two steps back in this fucked up circle.....I don't know anymore I guess I'll either follow through or I won't, but if I do a well deserved rest will be all I have to look forward to.

Another mistake, another life lost...

To put it shortly I ha sex without a condom so now I get to freak out until my girlfriends period shows up.

As for the life lost.....two days ago my cousin lost her life after being hit by two cars....I'd rather not go into any detail because all of this is still fresh in my mind all I am going to say is that the emotional pain is reopening up a lot of old wounds....Jessica and willy you will be missed forever.

Is it running on E

It feels like all the love is gone....the I love yous don't hold as much as they used to, happy greetings replaced by complacent conversation, sexual power and appetite replaced by a drought of any appetite whatsoever. Maybe it's me, maybe I should follow through with my plan on the eve of the new year, maybe everything will be better then. All I want is to have happy friends and to maybe be happy a little.....the plan is starting to sound better everyday.....

A wondrous idea

As I type this, it could very well be my last words to the world, then again I could fail and be back at a later time. It's my 21st birthday and as I sit here alone in the cold, surrounded by woods my mind is compiling all the ways I could kill myself and stop all the pain I feel. I can only repeat "No,I'm fine." So many times before I can no longer believe it, I can only cry so many tears before my body rejects the thought of life,death is a warm embrace. To all those who say that people would miss me and that i haven't lived my life....well yes people would miss me but my life? Not worth living, I can't look at myself and continue to manufacture reasons why I shouldn't just drop myself into some dark pit. Yes there are people who love me but, I would rather be a small reminder of how even the strong fall then live pretending to be strong.... 

Hours later after putting on my best face and doing my best to keep it together the pain just welled up in my chest, I want to cry,scream be upset but I can't it would put to many people "out of sorts" because "it's my birthday, you should be happy." I guess I just wonder how tonight will end, with the loss of a life or with the darkness building a stronger force?

What the hell was I expecting

Another year another birthday killed before it can even get off the ground, I don't know why I'm surprised but I guess my plans for enjoying this day have gone right out the fucking window. So happy fucking birthday to me hopefully ill be dead before Christmas....

FlashBacks

Last night something happened that, mentally, makes me want to shut down and just be a recluse like I was before all of this. I know I may be over reacting but when someone yells at me I feel "small", weak, un-loved. When someone yells at me I clam up especially if it's someone I care about so her yelling at be even for those few seconds hurts a lot.....I don't know how this is going to effect me, but I know it's going to set me back a few steps mentally...

It's a wonder she still loves me

I feel like I deserve a little slack here between falling on and off my insulin and trying to repair our relationship I'm a little mood swingy and a little on edge so yes that comment did hurt but instead of being pissed off about it I went to cool down and tried not to make a big deal about it but as usual I can't stop myself from beating myself up and so I posted a status, Your obviously all set with me and I can't blame you who would want to be with me I'm damaged goods right? I'm just another broken heart...I just don't know where we stand right now and that scares me because If I'm there for you but you don't want to be there for me the inevitable crash on my behalf will surely end with disastrous results. I guess I'll just swallow whatever "pride" I have and talk to you about this. I can't keep holding you back.

Don't you just love little visits

Of course people show up asking me for money....the only reason I said yes is because I can't in good mind set let a three year old child sleep on the street...this shit where people don't talk to me unless they need something is getting really old. My relationship is so back and forth I don't know which way is up I love her but shes right I'm a hot fucking mess and causing most of our problems so my conundrum becomes do I break up and try to deal with my issues or do I sit in silence and give her the rest of my love...even if that means breaking down the last few pillars holding me up, She deserves all of me and at this rate she'll have it and more but because I'm unstable it might mean something bad for me.

Is this really how this ends

All the information being thrown at me is conflicting in the worst ways, she says she still loves me but communication is at an all time low and whenever I look at her I feel like her gaze casts nothing but hatred toward me....not that I blame her I'm a horrible person who does horrible things I'm surprised she hasn't dumped me yet I guess she's finally gotten fed up dealing with my bullshit, she deserves better so much better I'm a self destructive, hating person and with how things have been lately I can only assume its my negative attitude that drove everyone away including her.....I'm a horrible person I beg of someone end my miserable excuse of an existence 

The straw that broke the camels back....

I get it I'm a fucking horrible boyfriend and I'm sorry that things have gotten to this point, I never wanted them to and your right everything you had addressed over our relationship was for the better. But I guess I just ruined everything I fucked up I made a mess of everything It's all my fault, don't bother even thinking that any of this was on you because It's all my fault and it always will be so don't worry I'll take all the heat that comes from this because in the end you'll be the victim and I'll be the perpetrator so everyone will see me as the bad guy and I'm fine with that because it means you don't have to deal with all the extra emotional damage that'll come with it. So I guess I'll just fall back into my habits again and sit back and watch as I fall into obscurity.

A little more from me to the abyss

So even though I promised more then a few people, I relapsed and not on drugs or alcohol....I'm sorry everyone

So a final sword for a final chapter.....

I sit here tears in my eyes falling....maybe shes right maybe there is someone better for her then me, I mean honestly I know I'm a bad person and a horrible boyfriend but this hurts more then I could have ever imagined. I wonder if she knows that video games are helping me cope with my depression I wonder if she know that even if I lose her my heart will always ache because she will always have a piece of me....I wonder what will become of our friendship if things really break this time....I have failed I have become complacent and lost her love and it seems I can't fix it now....maybe I should give into temptation....maybe she'd be better off without me, maybe I am a necessary evil whose sole purpose is to be alone. I feel so cold as I read her words it's been true I am a burden to those around me. I know you will read this and I just want you to know that I will always love you and you will always hold a special place in my heart Thank you for all you've done for me...I promise to not be a burden on you anymore when I move out you won't have to put up with me and my shitty ways....
 I'm sorry I let you down and failed you.....

A little of this a pile of that

I wonder sometimes if that saying that "everyone is destined for something great in their own life" is actually true because I always feel like I'm destined for death...for nothing more then to lay in the dirt and rot forever. I know that things in life aren't easy and in my life they've been far from it but it would be nice to catch a break every no and again.

Right now I just feel so alone, no texts no calls no messages no anything...just complete "radio silence" and it seems now more then ever that my fate lay with my death.

King for a day

When you suddenly stop mid sentence when I walk in, that not only makes me suspicious but angry and upset and the fact that you don't want to talk, about anything is really starting to aggravate me all I want is for you to talk to me. And the reason I raise me voice is because I don't feel like you hear me like you could care less what I think, not because I enjoy it so when you read this I think you should stop and understand how hurt I am and maybe see that I've stopped talking because you don't want to talk. And yes I do understand that "nothing" sometimes does mean nothing but j also know that it means something sometimes as well. I'm not a jealous person but it baffles me why you don't understand why it bothers me when guys continually berade you with nasty messages, you deserve respect and none of then are giving it to you. 

Maybe I'm just over analyzing things but one thing that is true is that I love you and it hurts that it feels as if there's a rift growing between us

Someone asked me what kind of thoughts I've been having....bad idea

All kinds,suicidal,homicidal,nightmarish,dream-like,sadness,anger,slivers of happiness, feelings of being alone,unwanted of being completely visible but undeniably ignored,thoughts that would otherwise be considered complaining and petty, I've spent months with these thoughts and yet nothings changed no matter how much I yield or don't yield, change or stay the same nothing actually changes things still got worse the good things started to decline and the bad increased but I couldn't turn to anyone there was no one there to catch me when my knees eventually buckled and my mind gave way to the darkness, there was no light for so long and there still isn't but all that doesn't matter because eventually we all accept the fate we have been given there are those who are meant to bask in the glory and healing of the light and there are those who shuttle back and forth trying to save those trapped in the darkness the cold unforgiving unending sadness and rage filled emptiness that is the darkness but they do not come for me they come to take my denizens away from me because I am the ruler of this hell this dark forever rotting hell of maelstroms that swirl emotions into a pit of despair that bring warriors and fighters to their knees. Everyone says I should express my self well I'm doing it now I feel like a toy everyone got sick of playing with because I have one to many cracks on me I'm broken so there for I am of no use anymore, I have been giving and giving and people have been taking and taking but what happens when there's nothing left to take...people still expect more of you and I've given all I can to everyone that's asked and even some that haven't....I'm not the kid I once was I have been given a seat to sit it one that many have sat in before me and many will sit after. Someone has to be in the darkness and since no one volunteered the darkness to hold and refuge in my heart and soul and slowly took over knowing that with each day that passed,with each painful truth I endured it was just a little closer to seating me at it's thrown as it's new vessel to sustain it's life.

And just to add a little more to all of this....I can feel her pulling away....

That sound

Do you know what doubt sounds like? Well I do, and it hurts having to face that doubt especially when it's be so easy to give up....

I walk a lonely road

From where I stand I give and give and give and fucking give myself to others until there's nothing left and all I get in return is the cold shoulder, I should have "supermarket come on in take how ever much you want/need" fucking tattooed on my forehead because that's all that seems to happen lots of me giving and others taking from me but nothing coming back, must be why I feel so fucking empty all the time...I thought maybe things would change but I guess for the little it's worth nothing changed

I just feel like shit

I guess some might call it just another day but honestly more often than not I feel horrible and sad and angry and upset it just seems to be never ending....

Why can't I just have this one thing...

My manager just told me that she doesn't want me to fail by leaving in November to college...my heads spinning and I just don't know which way is up, not to mention the aforementioned feeling of being alone is growing by the minute which is increasing the sadness exponetionally....what's happening to me... 

Never a dull moment...

Being left alone with my thoughts isn't the best thing especially when lately my thoughts have been on suicide...but i'm not allowed to feel like this, my feelings are treated as a joke....so ill just sit here and smile because thats the best for everyone else

Fuck it

Fairly simple; alone,tired,sad but I can't show that because it means I'm weak in their eyes.

All I want are some friends

Honestly and most sincerely all I want are some people who want to talk to me because right now it feels like I could disappear and no one would even blink an eye....I guess that I am as a bad a person as  I feel... 

Back to square one....

I have my permit but am rarely allowed to drive, so what the actual fuck is the point I'm almost 21 and I have 95% of the skills I need to drive successfully but ya know of course no one's willing to help me practice this shit so that I can have a license. I can't even deal with the amount of bullshit that has been going on. My sex life ya that's a fucking joke, my social life is even more so then my sex life. No one really talks to me and no one wants to hang out with me. Granted I know I'm kind of a bit depressive to be around because of my negative attitude but, I've made sure that I don't dwell on the negative things while I'm around people. Which means not a whole lot of talking for me. I'm trying to do better and be better but it's hard when there really isn't a "light" at the end of the tunnel for you to work towards. I love Katie and I would do anything for her....and it hurts me more then anything to have to leave her here on cape, while I go off to school, I don't know what will happen when I leave or what the outcome will be if I can handle it or not but all I know for sure is I'm scared so very scared and I don't want anyone to know that because I've been so adamant about this...I don't know maybe I should just put myself in a permanent coma and just forgo all of this pain....

One more day....

So I asked my girlfriend "What is wrong with me, why don't people like me or want to be around me?" and she simply replied "Sometimes you can be a bit negative." and I nodded and realized that yes I can be a bit negative sometimes, what really struck me was my response to that "I feel like given my circumstances in life that I have earned the right to be a bit negative." I stopped for a moment after that and then stated "Well the best solution to that is for me to just not say anything right?" nope, wrong she quickly rebutled "Well no because then everyone will get pissed that your not talking." I thought to myself for a moment, then how am I supposed to be around people...I mean I don't intentionally try to be negative I just....I stopped there I had no reason there was no excuse and even if there was one, I was only looking for trouble...I know that people come and go but what hurts is when those people are people I trusted....

I feel so alone, so tired, so empty like all the life from me has been taken....I watch daily almost like someone trapped inside my body as I go through the motions, Get up, Go to work, Come home, Try to sleep repeat. It's gotten to a point where no one wants to be around me unless they have to be, when I have days off I spend them alone or with my girlfriend and her friends,sadly those people used to be my friends as well. I just don't know where to turn anymore.

I went on a chat site, that is basically like a here have someone who will listen to your problems and be there for you site. and talking about my problems helped a bit but I also realized that I'm very much more alone then I thought. Now don't get me wrong I have a wonderful girlfriend and a single friend who talks to me on a regular basis but far from that I feel like I'm the person to avoid...and when I move in november well, I might just disappear if that's what everyone wants so bad.

One move to checkmate

Do you ever feel so alone,so abandoned,so forgotten that you see no way out other then dying. Well that's exactly how I feel right now, I'm pretty sure I lost two friends because I'm unable to deal with my own problems. I'm too needy and I need to learn how to stand on my own. The one friend I can talk to I don't talk to because I feel like I'm just unloading all my problems on her. The two other people who I used to tell my problems to I can't anymore strictly because I feel like they don't want to hear it anymore there's only so much of me people can take before they become fed up with my never ending bull shit. I'm at a point in my relationship where sex isn't important I'm content with kisses and hugs. I'm also at a point in my relationship where when I leave for New York I'm afraid I'm going to lose her and that's a fear I face everyday, along with what if I fail at college what if I can't find a job what if none of this works out. In all of this torrential "rain" how am I supposed to find the sunlight. I have a staff infection in my foot I'm on two high dose antibiotics that make me feel like shit all the time and I'm just so sad all the time and if I'm not sad I'm angry I just feel like I can't win...

A thousand years of pain

It couldn't possibly get any worse I seem to tell myself and then it happens not only do I have to go in for a surgery but I have a staph infection and am still working heavily even though I've been informed to stay off it,my depression is raging and I just feel so hopeless so lost so alone

Plain and simple...

I spent the whole night, just thinking about how to kill myself...The where, when, how, not even questioning myself. I never thought it would come to this again, I never thought I would have another plan ready so that I could leave this place in a manner so quick. Now you all might say that "It's just a ploy for attention." or "You won't get your friends back this way." and you're right I won't get my friends back this way and that's why I'm not doing this as some fucked up ploy for attention or to make people feel bad for me, this is the fucking end all truth, I live so close to the edge of death every day and right now I've decided that maybe I've just lived a few days too many...

It's almost like I'm back to square one

Ya know, I get it I'm a hard person to get along with, I say shit that may or may not be true sometimes and I don't watch what comes out of my mouth, not to mention I have a short temper, the one thing I thought I had was a close group of friends that no matter what would be there till' the end...apparently I have achieved the unachievable by annoying/pissing them off to the point of seclusion. Now don't get me wrong here I'm not saying I haven't done anything wrong, BUT, what I believe should have happened and what has actually gone on are two totally different verses. I thought that after the drama of money and what shit flew around at Anime Boston, everything would be fine because everyone would be in their respectful places as it would be. Again I was and or am still wrong. I know I've said a lot that I've felt alone but this is the first time that feeling has been substantiated by what's going on in my life. While I realize I'm not the most chipper person to talk to and sometimes I'm on the verge of just down right pessimistic but there are just some aspects of my personality that I can't change. My view on life is as follows...Those who are born with a talent are born to succeed, whether or not you discover that talent over a natural progression or not is based on life events. I feel like I'm always stuck in-between everything, I'm not playing the pity me card trust me that gets you no where fast but no one can honestly say they know where I'm coming from(and I get it everyone has problems of there own and every ones situation is bad in it's own respect. I'm not down playing any ones problems or pain) I'm trying to do the best with what I have but every time I let people in I get hurt, no one stays for as long as they say they will. If this hurts any of you to read I'm sorry. The long of the short of it is....I work 40+ hours a week to make sure I can live, I may not remember to text or call or any of that but that doesn't mean I'm not trying to be your friend, it means I'm exhausted from working and trying to get sleep and make sure my diabetes doesn't kill me and grow up and take my responsibility for my life and actions and all that but guess what that's a lot for me to take control of. You asked for me to stop taking my relationship problems to you and I did no problem it took a few months but I did.....Do you ever stop to look around and realize how alone you actually are because today for the first time in years I looked around and saw just how alone I really am. Now my definition of alone is when I take a look at communication in all it's forms and how used it is. There are a few select people that I trust enough to call friends and right now I feel as if I'm only a burden to them.

Hayden-Man I don't know what else to say then I'm sorry to have been such a burden/leech on your life for the past few years.

Ruby-Not much to say here. I'm sorry that I've upset you and that our friendship is strained.

Eli,Ben,Brandi-You guys have done a lot for me as a whole and i appreciate all of it.

Part 2

I'm sad, depressed and in fact alone I just want my close friends back but that seems if nothing else a pipe dream at this point....

Are you living, or just alive?

So, I guess it's time to give up what little non-adult part of me there is because I guess I victimize myself now I'm not saying that the statement isn't true but well the only way for me to change for you is to completely empty myself of what I am and fill it up with an "adult" I hope I've released you of all the stress I must have been causing the both of you, so I guess this is where I bid a fond farewell to those parts of me I've held onto....It's going to take another day or two to fully adjust myself to this new way of life but I guess it's the only way to make you guys happy, so....thank you for pointing out what was wrong with me the victimizing, the being weird, the not taking action....I'm now just going to stack my issues all around me like an adult and either pretend their not there or deal with them after they've become an issue, because that's what adults do right? They work until they die, ignoring problems until they "go away".
See now I want things to be fine between us and as it stands they should be, and I'm trying to give you guys your space but when are we gunna talk when are we gunna be friends again?
That question doesn't seem to have an answer.....

I guess growing up means being alone...

I knew you were stressed which is why I haven't really been around because everytime I ask how you are you're stressed and that's fine but I don't want to say shit that's going to tress you out more.

As for the rest of it, I'll just drop my personality and become an emotionless adult like the rest of the world because I just can't seem to please everyone, this isn't a shot at you and this isn't my subtle way of "getting back at you" this is me and my feelings being open and honest, and the truth is I feel like I've lost all but a few of my friends and right now I don't know who is or isn't my friend. all because I open my mouth

All I want is answers...but I bring nothing but pain

I never knew it would be like this finally getting answers, but at what cost, she has begun to hate me begun to break...and I'm sorry I don't mean to hurt you and I'm sorry that you feel it's come to this but I don't want this to break us and I'm not trying to hide it I'm just trying to keep you from feeling hurt but apparently I'm not doing that....we need to talk about this not hide it from eachother...lets talk

"I see checkmate in two..."

"The truth will set you free." What a load of bullshit (at least in my case) because I told the truth and you know what happened a bunch of shit...I was open and honest and tried to keep you out of this to make sure that everything would be ok but like everything else it back fired and now it seems I'm to be avoided like the plague, so what if that's not how it is in your eyes this is how it feels to me and maybe that's not enough to qualify as correct but I can't help the way I feel...guess I'm wrong yet again welcome to my life.

I don't think I'm strong enough...

With everything that's going on in my life I just don't think I can handle all this, I mean don't get me wrong I owe people some money not a whole lot but some money the big problem being I had talked with them letting them know that because of my financial situation the money wouldn't be there for upwards of four weeks....now they're obviously not happy with that and I can understand why but, I can't just stop paying my bills or getting my insulin (I'm a type 1 brittle diabetic) so that they can have their money I make $260 a week and 95% of that goes to food/bills not to mention medicine and what not, on top of that I'm trying to save for college because I'm moving to New York in November to attend college. My biggest fear is that my girlfriend who for what will be three years will find someone better than I because, lets face it, I'm no catch I'm a 20 year old diabetic who works a minimum wage job 37 hours a week whose diabetes is killing him because I can't get a hold on it due to stress, bad examples and a long time worth of my mother who also has diabetes blaming me for her getting it and not helping me develop a proper sense of responsibility with this disease. I've had this disease for well over ten years almost fifteen and when it comes down to it I'm surprised anyone wants to be with a kid who is in all reality killing himself...Right now she sleeps an I worry about how I will overcome this excruciating burden that I carry on my shoulders.

Never feel good enough.

So I know that I say things that hurt and say things that are bad but as it stands I feel like we're going to drift away when I move away...I know we both said we're going to try but I can't help but feel that because we're both not fond of long distance relationships things aren't going to work out well...not saying we're not going to try but I'm just scared.

No longer will I stand by and watch this beauty be taken by the darkness

Why do you hide from me like this two years and your still hiding from me, I can see your hurting,I can see your in pain....I can see it, and it kills me to see this happening and knowing that I cant help you because your afraid for some reason that I'm going to leave but I'm not,I'm not going anywhere but if you keep this up I'll have no where to go because I wont leave you but I won't be close because I'd rather be in the freezing cold of the night then watch as someone beautiful destroys themself.
Things have been better they've been getting a lot better but why then must the darkness come creeping in like a monster into a childs mind. I wonder why must all these things fall apart when they become fixed once again. Tell me what side will win the darkness in your head or the love that fills your life and heart?

So now I feel bad

So after getting my taxes I went and paid some bills and bought myself some movies and of course now I feel like shit for spending money in myself and feel like I'm going to get yelled at... I'm thinking I need to set up a savings account to dump all my extra money into...