To much, to little, to heavy for one man to hold on his own

You ever feel like your the worst kind of person? Well take that and multiply that by about 10,000 and add some feeling like a shit bag and then sprinkle on feeling worthless and useless and like if you disappeared it wouldn't matter and that's how I feel most of the time. I feel like I fail everyone every time I try to do well anything.
I try to be open with people but the downside is that leaves me venerable and I've been hurt so much in my life I feel I obsolete like I've lived past my usefulness.
I'm at work and I've locked myself in the bathroom hoping that these feelings will subside but I know they won't because there's always a voice telling me I've failed her and let her down and ill never be the man she needs....I wonder will I just be better off dead...... I just don't know. I want to cry and scream and just let all of these feelings go....hopefully things will get better

And this is where it gets awkward

So just because I want to get this out there because I don't think I can tell anyone about this.....I suck at sex sure I talk a big game but I've just gotten lucky A LOT my diabetes becomes a huge handicap because if I'm not on point with everything then my sex drive plummets and I start losing we shall say "abilities" and I feel embarrassed and self conscious and in the end it makes me not want to have sex even more then there's the whole I don't (believe) I'm satisfying my partner, I'm a "quick study" but she takes time and I feel horrible when I can't give her what she wants. At the same time has growing up with this looming cloud of what sex SHOULD be warped my perception of what sex actually is, am I in all reality perfectly fine the way I am......I don't know and all I do know is that I don't feel normal in this sense.

I am the knife

I'm not here to make anyone feel bad or upset anyone, this time I'm here to just state how I'm feeling and leave it at that.
Between not sleeping much at all, my night terrors worsening, and feeling like and utter failure as a boyfriend I'm beginning to thing I've finally lost it....I've failed to make her believe that she's a princess,to show her how important she is to not just me but everyone around her. She wants me to move hours away so that ill have a stable place to live...but what she forgets time after time is that home is where the heart is and my heart is where ever she is. Yes I'm stressed and slightly depressed and not sleeping and not eating and aggravated and ready to pull my fucking hair out but after two years the one constant that I've wanted in my life is her.

I know you'll read this and be upset but I'm not blaming you at all for anything I'm just afraid that your keeping me at arms length and that ill lose you because I'll shut down and eventually just stop being me...I love you and NOTHING will change that I just fear I'm losing you.

Win or lose its how the game plays you

You never really understand how much of a fucking loser you are until you realize your two years out of high school and all you've managed to do is accrue medical bills and become homeless twice over. I love my girlfriend and she's done so much for me and makes me feel awesome (I know that sounds stupid but I'm exhausted and running off like no sleep bear with me) . My friends as a whole have also done so much for me and I thank them while heartedly. Brandi, Hayden, Jessie, Ruby, Danni the lot of you have helped me out in so many different ways and I can't thank you guys enough.

And just for all you who read this when I say "win or lose its how the game plays you" I'm referring to not letting life dictate what and who you become because in the end most people lose themselves in the day to day.

I leave you with this quote because this is one of the few truths in the world.
"I hate that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live."

Enter the zanpaktou rebellion

Things have been rough no doubt and I get it....I'm just as bad as he is sometimes with the bashing of people and for that fact I'm sorry, I'm trying to lay off and just let whatever negative feelings I have for him roll away because my feelings for you are greater and will always be greater than whatever hatred or anger I hold towards him.
I know things get shaky and we fight sometimes and we get on each others nerves and such but what couple doesn't have these problems especially because we've been living in each others pockets for several months, we were bound to fight and get upset then add on the fact that our respective friends don't get along that ads more pressure and fuel to the fire and then there (was) my jealousy towards him it just seemed like he was getting more of your time and attention then I was and I know this isn't a competition to see who can get more of your attention but I can't help but get frustrated because well my track record speaks for itself most people use me as a "gateway" boyfriend so they can get what they really want or who in these situations, now I'm not saying your like everyone else but what I am saying is I scare easily and I worry about losing you every day because you'll find someone better than me...because in the end I may be one of a kind but that makes me a lot easier to forget.
Now just so I'm being as clear as I hope I'm being
1.I love you and will always love you.
2.I may hate him but he is your best friend and I can respect that.
3.We may fight but even in those times of arguing my love for you never weans.
4.You are the most beautiful women (both inside and out) I have ever had the grace of laying my eyes on.

I love you and I hope this gets to you soon.

Why can't you just accept my love.

So it's come to this why can't you just accept my love it's like after two years you'd think that ya know we'd have some sort of trust but because of John and everyone else manipulating you because at this point thats what it is. I love you but I need some privacy and that's what tumblr and facebook is for me and by invading it you betrayed my trust and let me say something I looked at your facebook and you flipped and told me that it wasn't fucking ok so I backed off and gave you your space and respected your space but apparently my space is free to invade so what the fuck is it you want me to leave? you want me to just dissapear because thats whats going to happen if you dont stop pushing me away. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND OTHERWISE THE EVENTUAL END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP IS NIGH.

So this be the final stand

You want a break, but you don't want a break....I'm trying to be the person you want me to be but why does it seem no one listens, does no one have patience, time these things take time to work and I especially will take time to get a hold of these things but it seems at every turn I'm wrong, it seems that I only let you down, disappoint, upset, or anger you and the things your friends say hurt too. Are you afraid of intimacy with me, do I disgust you, or is it just simply the fact that you don't believe me when I look into your eyes and tell you that you're so beautiful. I'm tired, broken, wilting, crumbling under the pressure and the intense pain of not knowing what your going to do I love you nothing will change that and somehow I think you know that which is why you do what you do because my love is never waning. I guess all I can do now is sit and watch like a small child as you ponder over your desicion.   

I guess I'm just not what she needs.....

She's right I'm a small child no adult....and it's my fault she hurts herself. Every time I think about us I realize everything is my fault and I can't help but realize that I am the worst kind of person....maybe I should just...disappear because it's killing me to see her hurt at my hands....I hope we can get past all the problems we have.....

Loop me through infinity back into my grave

It's very simple we fought,I left,I came back,We loved being in each others arms again but I can't help but have that thought in the back of my head....John someone I used to be really good friends with has become one of my worst enemies because he has liked my girlfriend since he met her back in December,The things he does most of the time piss me off. He one ups me and basically has almost filled my position in Kaites life he makes her laugh,smile,happy in general things I have lost the ability to do. I don't know what to do because well.... latley I've been neglecting my own health to help everyone else. I'm at a point where I'm planning the least painful way to kill myself and I've come to the conclusion that I'll just take a bunch of sleeping medications and drift off to sleep one final time.

Katie- None of this is your fault in fact I blame myself wholeheartedly for this happening. I wish you nothing but happiness and good tidings in your life. I know It's going to hurt but It's not that I don't love you because I do really love you so much but when you see how close death is like I do you can't help but give up...I screwed up my one and only chance to be with you. I hope you understand that I'll miss you everyday and I hope you can forgive me for this.....I love you Catherine Rae Wilcox You will always be my one true love.

Hayden/Kat/Brandi-You guys are the are what friends should aspire to be. Hayden, In the time we've known each other we've learned to read each other like a book and I can't thank you enough for helping me as much as you have I wish things didn't have to come to this but I've lost my way and this is the only path I've found. Kat....I'm crying writing this especially this part because as my sister this is going to hurt you a lot...I couldn't have asked for a better friend,sister,companion and confidant for the past 10 years....I'm sorry I had to leave like this. Brandi, again ten years have gone by since we first met. There are things that you know about me that most people don't and what hurts me about this is having to leave my sister behind...I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I'll never forget the pokemans,digimans,Bleach,Hetalia,Doctor Who,MLP,Zombies or anything else we enjoyed together. I'm sorry guys.

All my friends/family-I'm sorry I couldn't handle it but after all of the comments from doctors and such I just can't handle it anymore I tried but I couldn't handle it...please live like I taught you to I want you all to be successful don;t let a single person tell you no you can't because I know you can!

-Will-
I hereby leave my belongings to 1)Catherine Rae Wilcox 2)Kat Rose Radamaker 3)Brandi Lee Peake 4)Hayden Alton Sanford 5)Danni Rae Underhill 6)Dan Anderson. These people can disrtibute them as they see fit. I wish to be cremated and have my ashes spread over Shibuya Station in Shibuya,Tokyo,Japan. that is all I hope everyone can forgive me.

I have failed

So i am moving out of my girlfriends house and the whole reasoning is basically i am wrong i will always be wrong and as a person i am made wrong so until i can be right i might aswell have lost her to him

Time of dying....

I've come to this point where I am....well ready to die every time this has come up I've berried it and now I just can't hold this in anymore I want to die because I can't provide for her, I can't make her happy I've failed her. It's basically like this I love her so much that if I lose her I will have no choice but to end my life.....I love you all but I can't handle this...

Wild ones

So I've been out of commision for about  a week now and its killing me to not see katie and to be stuck in a room all day....A few of my biggest problems here are :My manager being fucking bi polar with the shit shes saying to and about me, the pain deciding to fuck with me, and everyone told me i should quit but now all of a sudden i shouldnt cause well just cause this shit has to stop make up my mind because obviously whatever i choose will be wrong.

second off ive lost track of my insulin again but im trying to get back on it i just keep coming down on myself so hard and it didnt help when the doc weighed me i lost 20lbs i guess im just doomed to fail.

Dilly Dally Shilly Shally

Never thought I'd feel this stupid ever I merely suggested that moving away from this hell hole would be a great fucking idea seeing as all the problems we have are here but, alas I was once again wrong for trying to think of a way to save US from all the unneeded bullshit that goes down on this sandbar we call an island. She doesn't want to and I can see it in her eyes every time I say something about it. All she had to say was "I don't really wanna move, I love my family too much to leave." and I would've been fine with it but yet again I had to sit and watch her face as I talked to see that she didn't want anything to do with my idea...This is not to say we aren't getting along because we are really well it's just when she chooses to share things with other people instead of me It upsets me, it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me and worst of all it belittles me in a bad way. I miss how life used to be my good friends were still here and around all the time while drama was high it was dealt with swiftly and with a sense of urgency...Now I'm pretty much alone few friends to speak of and endless waves of drama keep flowing in. I'm drowning and all I really want is to go back to when my life made sense...I'm 19 soon to be 20 and I feel trapped by this man-made shit hole we call home....I wanna leave,take off just never look back but...shes tethered here by her family and plethora of friends,so while she shines bright I'll just sit here and fade into obscurity or better yet I'll actually go through with offing myself...maybe it's for the best....I just don't know anymore  

Never thought i would come this close to losing her

I don;t know exactly what to say here other than i guess I'm just really fucking up hard like horribly hard so much so that I'm close to losing the best thing that has ever happened to me and if that happens i will follow through with my suicide attempt this time because i don't wanna live if my heart is broken this time because there wont be anything left to put back together...shes asleep now and i told her i wouldn't ever read her facebook messages again and I'm not going to break that promise. I know my own insecurities are getting in the way but I'm trying to put them aside its hard for me but I'm trying really hard. i guess the only way to end this post is with some song lyrics and a promise that I'm going to go for a walk and maybe ill get what i deserve delivered in the form of a car speeding down a residential area and plowing me down.

I don't wanna lose you by Jamestown Story
"I've been losing sleep for a while now
Thinkin' about us
And its hard to pretend that we're doing okay
When we're not
And its killing me slowly

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

You've been losing faith
For a while now
And I'm lost for words
And for we are having problems
If you are willing we can solve them
In time
I'm just begging you to try

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
Please don't walk away
I need you to stay
To get through
Somethings gotta give

I hope we can get passed all the problems have
And let go
cause I still believe we have the chance

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

Everynight I dream about the days you and I
Both seem so happy
If only I knew what we'd go through to get here"

PLease read this baby and know I love you and I'm sorry

a month of pain and self hatred

Apparently im just thee stupidest motherfucker on this planet because well i am im slowly losing  myself in all the drama and right now i feel like im losing her and everything i know to be true. Ive said things that as they leave my mouth i regret yes but why is it that youd all rather just sit there and hide shit like how you really didnt appreciate that comment i just maid. youd all rather hide and then when i find out you get upset....well how do you think i feel when i find out that most of my friends "tolerate" my stupid petty ass...it doesnt help my feeling of loneliness and being left alone...if you guys dont want me around so be it ill leave you guys to trash me and my name and i wont even bat and eye because its what you guys want. my entire life all ive wanted to do is belong but apparently im asking to much of everything in this world...I love Catherine Rae Wilcox with all my heart and will always love her.....i guess im just getting to this point in my life where i find out if i can really fly or weather im just doomed to fall to my death....im the worst kind of person and now im finding out ill probably never change because assholes like me dont change pieces of scum low down shit dont get a second chance i never will. Ive always wondered what people would say if i died and now im realizing the few people who would be there might be sad but most would express joy towards my timely demise and departure from this floating rock. I will go silent around everyone i might utter a few words to a few people but the most anyone will hear from me is "Hi welcome to hess how may i help you?" I have apparently stranded myself in the middle of no where with nothing no one and absolutely no reason to carry on except her she makes me wanna get up in the morning to live but apparently thats not a good thing im sorry that shits been bad for me im doing the best i can to make the best out of what ive been given but its not easy i wont stop loving you no matter what and i want you to see that but it hurts when i spill what ive been holding in and it means nothing...i guess for now ill just take it and hide it all away again and see how well that works....no words no motions just a blank slate of emotionless face...here we go one last go around....im sorry that ive let you all down....

Mask of velonica

As of late my stress level has grown exponentially and unfortunately my body is reacting in a bad way...night terrors are getting worse with the stress not to mention my emotions are spiraling out of control. I feel like I'm not the man Katie wants me to be and that she would rather have someone more stable in their lives(health, wealth ect.) i know I'm probably wrong but it's just the feeling I have and it bothers me even if I'm not thinking about it.
I know I'm supposed to just accept that she loves me and I do it's not that I don't know that she loves me because I know she does it's weather or not I deserve her love I've fucked up quite a few times in this relationship and I don't know if she trusts me fully or weather I'm just walking around half trusted and such.

All in all I guess I'm more worried she will realize that she can do better and leave me it's always been a fear of mine and will always be a fear of mine because along with that she would join the night terrors that haunt me so much and I don't think I could mentally and physically handle that. I just don't know anymore 

And a 1 and a 2 and a....WTF GUYS SERIOUSLY!

I call gawd damn shannanagins on this whole fucking situation ive invested so much of my fucking time into this trip and all ive gotten out of it is a major migraine and bitchy people.
For those of you who aren't following i am planning the anime boston trip for my friends this year and as usual people are being fucking stupid about everything. thought i had a hotel nope thought we had transportation figured out nope thought everything was good but apparently no one trusts me. I mean dont get me wrong my wonderful girlfriend has my back but far from that im pretty much standing alone at this podium waiting for my own demise here. so lets summarize real quick....1.stupid issues 2.hotel issues 3.A lack of trust in their leader.

For those of my friends who will read this (kat,hayden) i miss you guys and any advice would be most welcomed from you guys

Never would have though i"d come this far just to bow to this

I guess it's been awhile since I've talked like this but bear with me as I explain exactly how the past few weeks went down.

I found out that my girlfriend wanted to break up with me because of the way i was treating my own body...valid reason seeing as I am a brittle diabetic and have spent most of my life in turmoil with this disease but, I'm trying I really am over the past few weeks I've gotten better with taking my shots but today I almost had a seizure and that scares me more than anything.I realized that Everyone's there to support me and i just need to carry on. I know my depressions back and im worried that itll break us up......i just am so confused and need help which ill get i just dont know anymore

One last moon

simple....she no longer feels I'm a viable partner because Ive accepted death as an all to real reality for me but I'm not giving up yet I'm trying but the more i read how shes feels the worse off i feel my depression is in high gear and has been since September but i havens let on and its only made worse by my own head when i read about  how shes torn between breaking up with me because she wants a viable future or staying with me because she still feels for me. I've never been one to force anyone to make a decision but this waiting in my own head is killing me and i just don't know if i can handle this much  longer unfortunately....this could be the end of me...if she chooses to leave ill have no choice but to....

I don't blame her...far from it I instead blame myself whole heartedly and accept all that is coming to me.

please save me

I always knew that it would come to this staring down my own death but i wanted to do it alone with no attachments. But i found her and now i feel obligated to live but i feel like i cant break this cycle...i need to live,in fact i want to live but im finding it very hard to change everything between my mom and my doctors have forced me to psychologically block myself into my own death and now its getting to late to change and i dont know if i will live to see the day when me and "she" have a child and we have the life we always wanted.....i want to change but i feel alone and dont know if i can do it