please save me

I always knew that it would come to this staring down my own death but i wanted to do it alone with no attachments. But i found her and now i feel obligated to live but i feel like i cant break this cycle...i need to live,in fact i want to live but im finding it very hard to change everything between my mom and my doctors have forced me to psychologically block myself into my own death and now its getting to late to change and i dont know if i will live to see the day when me and "she" have a child and we have the life we always wanted.....i want to change but i feel alone and dont know if i can do it