Maybe this year....

I'll actually follow through and remove the problem from this world....guess I should start saying my goodbyes....

A thousand and one reasons to die...not a single one to live

Have you ever hated yourself....like really honestly hated,just to the core, everything that you are? Well, I have and still do. I sit up at night and pray for death to seek me out, I constantly berate myself and beat myself up over words I say or decisions I make,because at every turn I seem to be making the wrong one or saying the wrong thing. I have a lifetime full of regret squeezed into 22 short years of life. I'm not perfect, hell no one is and I've made my fair share of mistakes and I've made some huge moral calls that I was definitely wrong on. 

My scars show that I've persevered through many trials and tribulations but at what point do the memories the scars bring back stop being enough, when does the self loathing and hatred go away and when does the fickle mind of a simple boy stop feeling like a medieval prison meant for an old man. I'm stepping closer to the edge where sanity slips and all that's left to comfort is a small dark voice devoid of any simple feelings except for twisted joy in your pain. Sleeping pills have always been my preferred method of going....one final slip into the darkness of my mind only to be thrust into whatever waits for me in the never ending ether.  

" The click of the gun, like a kiss to my temple

I press down and suddenly it embraces me like a mother to her newborn, I swallow not out of fear or sadness but instead out of relief, relief that all these feelings,this heartache, hatred, anger, and sadness will finally cease and my heart will finally stop aching to the point of physical pain. Wipe those tears as they are wasted on me please take my life, my failures and short Cummings and do better for yourself like I never could. I was never strong or sturdy it was all but a facade so that I could do my job and help relieve all the pain from those around me. In short I was weak. Weak enough that one instance of true heart break, broke me down and never rebuilt me. In the end just remember, "Those who court death intimately are the ones with the most hidden within themselves....they are the ones with the darkest shadows within themselves."

Ow

I just feel, like my darkness is eating me whole and that I can't come back from this.........but most of all I'm scared that nobody wants me, like I'm some horrid object that keeps getting passed around until I'm finally dropped and die....maybe that's for the best

Swallow that lump

I've greeted death twice in the past week and every time I only think about how I hurt her how I betrayed her love and trust and how is give anything to have her back in my arms....but she's found someone new, someone who isn't fragile and who can do better for her, does it hurt of course it does but I can only be happy that I still have her in my life and that things will be better for her.

Aside from the homelessness, small heart attack and almost chocking to death things in my life are still shit. But I'm glad she's doing ok

Another night on the street

Made twenty dollars then blacked out and woke up in a dumpster area the only thing keeping me from freezing.....her sweatshirt.....my eyes still hurt from crying and waking up cuddling my backpack wasn't exactly the best way to start my day but I diegress I can only hope tonight goes better....because my body can't handle much more of this

I want

To destroy myself, to paint with my blood as the life slips from me, to just die, to sece existing, to know eternal peice 

The colors I wear

Of all the colors I wear jealousy is the ugliest and so I've been attempting to wash away that color from my skin but jealousy does stain so very deep. As for the other colors the depression has the biggest grip on me it coddles me in the darkest if times reminding me of my doomed "timeline" of the fate I will never escape

The choice....

Is wether or not I let the flood gates open and feel everything I've shit out for years or do I just continue on.... If the past is any indicator the latter of the two is my future 

What am I......

Beast, human, mistake, in short a flaw in the system. With each passing day it only becomes more prevelant that my days are surely numbered

The way we fall apart

I know I need to let go and not get jealous when you talk to other people but I can't help it because at the end of the day I'm still trying to somehow earn you back...it just I'm a horrible person

A thousand steps a thousand and one mistakes

Simply put I feel like I'm fucking up and hurting her......maybe after all this time an anomaly is all I really am

I wonder if

It's ok to cry, it's ok to wish that your life never existed, it's ok to wonder if everyone would be better off without you....I wonder if maybe my time has finally come to pass. I hate to sound like an awkward pre-teen but maybe the black parade has finally asked me to be it's newest member....it's a solem thought that I grasp to every night... 

"Cancer in my mind"

One brick and it all comes tumbling down, one brick mistakenly tugged and my heart just obliterated. No I wouldn't let any harm come to you and it hurts more to know that you would think if let it happen...when push comes to shove I can't deny all the mistakes I've made but I can show you I've been making progress to make my life better so that maybe I can have you be a part of it....my heart yerns for you like the grass yerns for water after weeks without. You most likely won't see this but if you do please know that I have left all the baggage behind and only want to show you how much better I've become

Fuck

After being in and out of the hospital and er for the past month and a half-ish I though I might be going on the right track with Katie. We've been talking and hanging out. Then I went and fucked everything all up by thinking with the wrong head. All I want right now is to keep her in my life but that option seems to be fading faster and faster. I want her to believe that I'm here for her and that I'm not ever intentionally trying to hurt her but I don't think she will ever believe that.....I just want a little bit of my safe haven back.....even if it is as just a friend

Little wonders.......

Reading those words only made it more real that, I had in fact lost the best thing in my life.
By no means do I expect her to take me back.....What I do hope for is a friendship....but again I don't expect it. Will it hurt and will it take awhile for me to not see her in the way I do and have for almost four years absolutely. I have to live with what I did and the fucked up part is that I won't ever forgive myself for this, like so many other things I will continue to punish myself day in and day out until one day I feel I have been justly punished. I understand that you can't believe that I love you if I did what I did but, I do and I will always, It's not that I refuse to move on....it's that you opened me up and I gave away a piece of myself to you and to know that you've packed up the roses and all the memories of us, hurts more then any words I can think of can describe. Do I hope one day that we might get a second chance, absolutely with every broken fiber of my being do I wish for that. There aren't words that I can muster to apologize for what happened....I'm not trying to play the victim and this isn't a ploy for attention but right now I feel so alone, so secluded within my own mental prison that I want to turn to you....but I can't and I almost feel as if it would be better for me to just disappear, you would be free without me around and everyone could happily move on knowing I'm not around to fuck everything up.....I know you want to move away and I understand why, but will I lose even the friendship if you do....

I wonder if maybe I bleed and I hurt if something in the universe will bring you back to me, that maybe if I break not only my mental but physical being maybe something will take pity on me and bring you back to me. I write these words as a confession and as a guiding light into the shadows, because I will now fade back into where I was when you found me, in the obscurity of the betwixt. I will watch you ascend into the light and smile faintly because you have finally taken your place among the shining light of life.

I....want to die, no matter how numb I want to be I can't, no matter how much I don't want to feel all of these things I have to....maybe if I were to follow through it would help maybe you and everyone else would finally forgive me....and even if that weren't the case, I'd at least have the satisfaction of knowing everyone wouldn't have to be held back by me any more.

I can't sleep, without seeing you without talking to you, my nightmares will haunt me for years about all of this....I don't know if you want me to talk to you about how I feel, hell I don't know what to talk to you about most times.....I want to make myself better but more than that I want to erase myself from this world.

I honestly don't know what else to say, I just want to hug you and cry......

These small hours....

Hours spent crying....and all I can hear in my head is her voice. I changed and I hurt her, and now I'm going to lose her forever, people can say that I only miss having someone to call mine but that's not it at all....I miss her touch, they way her voice calmed the demons in my head and the way she could just hold me and make everything feel better. I don't know if you'll read this but as I stand here leaving for work, knowing what I know and having to live with what I did, the only thing that comes to mind is will there ever be a way for me to win you back....

"These small hours, these little wonder, these twists and turns of fate. Time falls away."

When it rains, it pours....

My life's a mess and I'm so self destructive that I got rid of the best thing in my life because I'm fucking stupid. I miss her, so much it hurts. It hurts to sleep alone, to know I hurt her, to live day to day wanting to die because of the pain I put her through, even through all of this, all of the threats people have sent my way and all of the grief I've put up with and even the loss of friends, I would still go to the ends of the earth to make her happy to see her smile to hear her laugh. It feels like I'm losing her for good and I don't know if I can Handel that, she's one person that I don't ever want to lose for good. I sit here at work typing all this out in hopes she'll read it, in hopes that maybe we can at least salvage something between us because she means the world to me and she still has my heart....I know what I did was wrong and I know it's hard for anyone including her to believe that I still love her but in my heart of hearts I do still love her and everyday I can hold her is a day wasted....

A labyrinth of which there is no escape

Where do you turn when there's no where left to go? 

To the darkness, to the edge to the void where nothing comes back. Yes I want to kill myself yes that seems like a good option, yes that for now would solve my problems, everyone I hurt would stop hurting.

I'm walking home tonight, because I hope someone will run me over and kill me, now before you all lose your shit....I love Katie and I want nothing but the best for her, guess what's not good for her. DING DING DING CORRECT ANSWER it's me! 

When you read this (you know who you are) know a few things

I love you

I know I've fucked up more times then is even remotely ok and you've still forgiven me and for that I that I thank you for.

If I do die tonight....it's not your fault in fact it's no ones fault but my own.

Dad-thank you for raising me to be the man I am today, I guess I just couldn't stop hating myself long enough to see what you do in me.

Ashley, Erin, Cameron, Jesse- I love you guys and I appreciate everything you guys have ever done for me, I will never forget you guys.

Mom- I love you, please stop running around everywhere and take better care of yourself.

To my nieces and nephews-I love each and every one of you so much and just know uncle William is watching over you and he's sorry he couldn't be around to see you grow up.

To my friends- each one of you are special in your own right and I hope that each of you get to fulfill your dreams and do amazing things, never stop waving whatever flag you choose.

Brandi-I've know you for many years....just remember that sometimes a player has to die for the others to succeed  and there's nothing more that I want then you to succeed.

Katie- 3 years and almost 2 months we've been together but when push comes to shove I need you more then you need me and I know no amount of apologizing will fix what I've done but I hope one final apology will suffice.

I'm so terribly sorry for all I've done.

To everyone else....I'm sorry I left like this, but sometimes life just becomes to much.

Another white room sterile of emotions

I fucked up I lead one women on while being with another intentional or not this falls on me to deal with, no amount of sorry or anything will solve the bullshit I've piled up but the only way I can really deal with this is by causing myself pain like I did her the only problem is all that will get me is a trip to another hospital room....

If it doesn't hurt physically prepaid for the emotional wreckage

All I want is for things to be a little easier than they are, is that too much to ask, and before you guys get all rhetorical and whatnot I know the answer is yes that is too much to ask. I love her I really do but do I hurt her more then I help her, the answer is yes, I've watched from my own eyes as I've said I'm helping but only hurt her.

I know for all the bitching and moaning I've done about her you'd think that I would absolve myself of all fault in this relationship but guess what nope, I choose to hurt myself to bring myself to the verge of death and back because well, I crave the attention well not the attention but I need to know I matter and that people care. 

When it comes down to it I really want to build up the courage to kill myself not because of anyone but because I myself have out lived my purpose and have over stayed my welcome on this world....I can only hurt I can never bring joy or happiness or anything like that, all I can offer is anger, sadness and pain.....please forgive me everyone for all I've done I will alleviate myself from you soon just give me some time.... 

Well if I can't say it with a scream maybe a whisper will do

You take the Internet away congrats, I still need an out let for all of the dark and otherwise angry feelings inside me, you want to know why I got defensive because I feel like I have to check in with you now every time I go out and no I didn't fucking drink because I wanted to go out and enjoy myself without alcohol you want to spend time with me yet you act distant I ask you what's wrong and I get the figity nothing response when I know something's wrong, you tell people I'm an asshole but act nice to me, you wonder why I'm confused and that's why! I've already admitted that I cheated and I know the trust is gone but if your just playing with me to get some enjoyment out of my tourture just fucking end it, maybe if you'd stop playing mind games and realize I'm trying to let you think and have brain space you wouldn't be so pissed off.

All time low

Things are getting better.....then why is it that I wake up with tears in my eyes feeling empty, am I really as broken as I thought and if so will she grow bored of this broken toy, I know I'm probably over thinking things but I'm so used to people leaving because of me that I'm on edge every time something even slightly goes off kilter, I know I'm easily replaced I understand that fact but she's not and I know I should bring this fact to her all of this in fact but for some reason I can't put this into verbal words, it flows so much easier when I'm writing.

I wonder if in her head I'm her antidote or if I'm just the poison in a pretty bottle, I question that every day: am I hurting her or am I helping, am I the reason she cries or am I the reason her tears dry up.....I guess I'm not sleeping because I'm to busy destroying myself.....how much longer will I last before the final pillar falls and all that's left is rubble and an empty husk who no longer breaths, laughs, cries, whose only place is being left to the wind because he's ashes. The funny thing is time will only tell but by that time it will be to late.

The waiting game....

You have every right to make me wait for an answer, what scares me the most though, the fact that you don't know how you feel about me and our relationship....it feels like there's and elephant on my chest and I can't get up...my nerves on edge and every muscle in my body tense...I may seem relaxed or angry but in all honesty I'm scared to death that you've realized that I'm no good and that your done with me....only time will tell

A definite drop down the rabbit hole....

She seems fine....I seem fine.

All I wanted to do is figure out what was going on but it's like I opened Pandora's box, for three years we've loved, fought, laughed, cried and experienced the entire range of emotions together....could it be that it's actually coming to an end or could it be that at the end of this we come out stronger and better than before.....I know I love her, and she loves me but is love enough to keep us strong or has something happened that will undo all of this, all three years of this in one swoop.

If this is a sign, please kill me now...

Lets just start out by saying yes I did cheat by sending nudes to a girl a few months ago and yes I did tell a girl I want in a relationship a few weeks ago, yes I am a piece of shit and yes, most if not all of my relationship issues are my fault and in the end I wouldn't blame her if she cheated on me....I think what hurts the most is slowly realizing the abusive pattern we've fallen into....we fight, make up, things get better for a bit and then something(usually me) triggers another fight....I want the cycle to stop but there are only two ways to stop it and one of them ends with two broken hearts.....how do I fix myself, how do I stop myself from being a horrible person.....