King for a day

When you suddenly stop mid sentence when I walk in, that not only makes me suspicious but angry and upset and the fact that you don't want to talk, about anything is really starting to aggravate me all I want is for you to talk to me. And the reason I raise me voice is because I don't feel like you hear me like you could care less what I think, not because I enjoy it so when you read this I think you should stop and understand how hurt I am and maybe see that I've stopped talking because you don't want to talk. And yes I do understand that "nothing" sometimes does mean nothing but j also know that it means something sometimes as well. I'm not a jealous person but it baffles me why you don't understand why it bothers me when guys continually berade you with nasty messages, you deserve respect and none of then are giving it to you. 

Maybe I'm just over analyzing things but one thing that is true is that I love you and it hurts that it feels as if there's a rift growing between us

Someone asked me what kind of thoughts I've been having....bad idea

All kinds,suicidal,homicidal,nightmarish,dream-like,sadness,anger,slivers of happiness, feelings of being alone,unwanted of being completely visible but undeniably ignored,thoughts that would otherwise be considered complaining and petty, I've spent months with these thoughts and yet nothings changed no matter how much I yield or don't yield, change or stay the same nothing actually changes things still got worse the good things started to decline and the bad increased but I couldn't turn to anyone there was no one there to catch me when my knees eventually buckled and my mind gave way to the darkness, there was no light for so long and there still isn't but all that doesn't matter because eventually we all accept the fate we have been given there are those who are meant to bask in the glory and healing of the light and there are those who shuttle back and forth trying to save those trapped in the darkness the cold unforgiving unending sadness and rage filled emptiness that is the darkness but they do not come for me they come to take my denizens away from me because I am the ruler of this hell this dark forever rotting hell of maelstroms that swirl emotions into a pit of despair that bring warriors and fighters to their knees. Everyone says I should express my self well I'm doing it now I feel like a toy everyone got sick of playing with because I have one to many cracks on me I'm broken so there for I am of no use anymore, I have been giving and giving and people have been taking and taking but what happens when there's nothing left to take...people still expect more of you and I've given all I can to everyone that's asked and even some that haven't....I'm not the kid I once was I have been given a seat to sit it one that many have sat in before me and many will sit after. Someone has to be in the darkness and since no one volunteered the darkness to hold and refuge in my heart and soul and slowly took over knowing that with each day that passed,with each painful truth I endured it was just a little closer to seating me at it's thrown as it's new vessel to sustain it's life.

And just to add a little more to all of this....I can feel her pulling away....

That sound

Do you know what doubt sounds like? Well I do, and it hurts having to face that doubt especially when it's be so easy to give up....

I walk a lonely road

From where I stand I give and give and give and fucking give myself to others until there's nothing left and all I get in return is the cold shoulder, I should have "supermarket come on in take how ever much you want/need" fucking tattooed on my forehead because that's all that seems to happen lots of me giving and others taking from me but nothing coming back, must be why I feel so fucking empty all the time...I thought maybe things would change but I guess for the little it's worth nothing changed

I just feel like shit

I guess some might call it just another day but honestly more often than not I feel horrible and sad and angry and upset it just seems to be never ending....

Why can't I just have this one thing...

My manager just told me that she doesn't want me to fail by leaving in November to college...my heads spinning and I just don't know which way is up, not to mention the aforementioned feeling of being alone is growing by the minute which is increasing the sadness exponetionally....what's happening to me... 

Never a dull moment...

Being left alone with my thoughts isn't the best thing especially when lately my thoughts have been on suicide...but i'm not allowed to feel like this, my feelings are treated as a joke....so ill just sit here and smile because thats the best for everyone else

Fuck it

Fairly simple; alone,tired,sad but I can't show that because it means I'm weak in their eyes.

All I want are some friends

Honestly and most sincerely all I want are some people who want to talk to me because right now it feels like I could disappear and no one would even blink an eye....I guess that I am as a bad a person as  I feel... 

Back to square one....

I have my permit but am rarely allowed to drive, so what the actual fuck is the point I'm almost 21 and I have 95% of the skills I need to drive successfully but ya know of course no one's willing to help me practice this shit so that I can have a license. I can't even deal with the amount of bullshit that has been going on. My sex life ya that's a fucking joke, my social life is even more so then my sex life. No one really talks to me and no one wants to hang out with me. Granted I know I'm kind of a bit depressive to be around because of my negative attitude but, I've made sure that I don't dwell on the negative things while I'm around people. Which means not a whole lot of talking for me. I'm trying to do better and be better but it's hard when there really isn't a "light" at the end of the tunnel for you to work towards. I love Katie and I would do anything for her....and it hurts me more then anything to have to leave her here on cape, while I go off to school, I don't know what will happen when I leave or what the outcome will be if I can handle it or not but all I know for sure is I'm scared so very scared and I don't want anyone to know that because I've been so adamant about this...I don't know maybe I should just put myself in a permanent coma and just forgo all of this pain....

One more day....

So I asked my girlfriend "What is wrong with me, why don't people like me or want to be around me?" and she simply replied "Sometimes you can be a bit negative." and I nodded and realized that yes I can be a bit negative sometimes, what really struck me was my response to that "I feel like given my circumstances in life that I have earned the right to be a bit negative." I stopped for a moment after that and then stated "Well the best solution to that is for me to just not say anything right?" nope, wrong she quickly rebutled "Well no because then everyone will get pissed that your not talking." I thought to myself for a moment, then how am I supposed to be around people...I mean I don't intentionally try to be negative I just....I stopped there I had no reason there was no excuse and even if there was one, I was only looking for trouble...I know that people come and go but what hurts is when those people are people I trusted....

I feel so alone, so tired, so empty like all the life from me has been taken....I watch daily almost like someone trapped inside my body as I go through the motions, Get up, Go to work, Come home, Try to sleep repeat. It's gotten to a point where no one wants to be around me unless they have to be, when I have days off I spend them alone or with my girlfriend and her friends,sadly those people used to be my friends as well. I just don't know where to turn anymore.

I went on a chat site, that is basically like a here have someone who will listen to your problems and be there for you site. and talking about my problems helped a bit but I also realized that I'm very much more alone then I thought. Now don't get me wrong I have a wonderful girlfriend and a single friend who talks to me on a regular basis but far from that I feel like I'm the person to avoid...and when I move in november well, I might just disappear if that's what everyone wants so bad.

One move to checkmate

Do you ever feel so alone,so abandoned,so forgotten that you see no way out other then dying. Well that's exactly how I feel right now, I'm pretty sure I lost two friends because I'm unable to deal with my own problems. I'm too needy and I need to learn how to stand on my own. The one friend I can talk to I don't talk to because I feel like I'm just unloading all my problems on her. The two other people who I used to tell my problems to I can't anymore strictly because I feel like they don't want to hear it anymore there's only so much of me people can take before they become fed up with my never ending bull shit. I'm at a point in my relationship where sex isn't important I'm content with kisses and hugs. I'm also at a point in my relationship where when I leave for New York I'm afraid I'm going to lose her and that's a fear I face everyday, along with what if I fail at college what if I can't find a job what if none of this works out. In all of this torrential "rain" how am I supposed to find the sunlight. I have a staff infection in my foot I'm on two high dose antibiotics that make me feel like shit all the time and I'm just so sad all the time and if I'm not sad I'm angry I just feel like I can't win...

A thousand years of pain

It couldn't possibly get any worse I seem to tell myself and then it happens not only do I have to go in for a surgery but I have a staph infection and am still working heavily even though I've been informed to stay off it,my depression is raging and I just feel so hopeless so lost so alone