Plain and simple...

I spent the whole night, just thinking about how to kill myself...The where, when, how, not even questioning myself. I never thought it would come to this again, I never thought I would have another plan ready so that I could leave this place in a manner so quick. Now you all might say that "It's just a ploy for attention." or "You won't get your friends back this way." and you're right I won't get my friends back this way and that's why I'm not doing this as some fucked up ploy for attention or to make people feel bad for me, this is the fucking end all truth, I live so close to the edge of death every day and right now I've decided that maybe I've just lived a few days too many...

It's almost like I'm back to square one

Ya know, I get it I'm a hard person to get along with, I say shit that may or may not be true sometimes and I don't watch what comes out of my mouth, not to mention I have a short temper, the one thing I thought I had was a close group of friends that no matter what would be there till' the end...apparently I have achieved the unachievable by annoying/pissing them off to the point of seclusion. Now don't get me wrong here I'm not saying I haven't done anything wrong, BUT, what I believe should have happened and what has actually gone on are two totally different verses. I thought that after the drama of money and what shit flew around at Anime Boston, everything would be fine because everyone would be in their respectful places as it would be. Again I was and or am still wrong. I know I've said a lot that I've felt alone but this is the first time that feeling has been substantiated by what's going on in my life. While I realize I'm not the most chipper person to talk to and sometimes I'm on the verge of just down right pessimistic but there are just some aspects of my personality that I can't change. My view on life is as follows...Those who are born with a talent are born to succeed, whether or not you discover that talent over a natural progression or not is based on life events. I feel like I'm always stuck in-between everything, I'm not playing the pity me card trust me that gets you no where fast but no one can honestly say they know where I'm coming from(and I get it everyone has problems of there own and every ones situation is bad in it's own respect. I'm not down playing any ones problems or pain) I'm trying to do the best with what I have but every time I let people in I get hurt, no one stays for as long as they say they will. If this hurts any of you to read I'm sorry. The long of the short of it is....I work 40+ hours a week to make sure I can live, I may not remember to text or call or any of that but that doesn't mean I'm not trying to be your friend, it means I'm exhausted from working and trying to get sleep and make sure my diabetes doesn't kill me and grow up and take my responsibility for my life and actions and all that but guess what that's a lot for me to take control of. You asked for me to stop taking my relationship problems to you and I did no problem it took a few months but I did.....Do you ever stop to look around and realize how alone you actually are because today for the first time in years I looked around and saw just how alone I really am. Now my definition of alone is when I take a look at communication in all it's forms and how used it is. There are a few select people that I trust enough to call friends and right now I feel as if I'm only a burden to them.

Hayden-Man I don't know what else to say then I'm sorry to have been such a burden/leech on your life for the past few years.

Ruby-Not much to say here. I'm sorry that I've upset you and that our friendship is strained.

Eli,Ben,Brandi-You guys have done a lot for me as a whole and i appreciate all of it.

Part 2

I'm sad, depressed and in fact alone I just want my close friends back but that seems if nothing else a pipe dream at this point....

Are you living, or just alive?

So, I guess it's time to give up what little non-adult part of me there is because I guess I victimize myself now I'm not saying that the statement isn't true but well the only way for me to change for you is to completely empty myself of what I am and fill it up with an "adult" I hope I've released you of all the stress I must have been causing the both of you, so I guess this is where I bid a fond farewell to those parts of me I've held onto....It's going to take another day or two to fully adjust myself to this new way of life but I guess it's the only way to make you guys happy, so....thank you for pointing out what was wrong with me the victimizing, the being weird, the not taking action....I'm now just going to stack my issues all around me like an adult and either pretend their not there or deal with them after they've become an issue, because that's what adults do right? They work until they die, ignoring problems until they "go away".
See now I want things to be fine between us and as it stands they should be, and I'm trying to give you guys your space but when are we gunna talk when are we gunna be friends again?
That question doesn't seem to have an answer.....

I guess growing up means being alone...

I knew you were stressed which is why I haven't really been around because everytime I ask how you are you're stressed and that's fine but I don't want to say shit that's going to tress you out more.

As for the rest of it, I'll just drop my personality and become an emotionless adult like the rest of the world because I just can't seem to please everyone, this isn't a shot at you and this isn't my subtle way of "getting back at you" this is me and my feelings being open and honest, and the truth is I feel like I've lost all but a few of my friends and right now I don't know who is or isn't my friend. all because I open my mouth

All I want is answers...but I bring nothing but pain

I never knew it would be like this finally getting answers, but at what cost, she has begun to hate me begun to break...and I'm sorry I don't mean to hurt you and I'm sorry that you feel it's come to this but I don't want this to break us and I'm not trying to hide it I'm just trying to keep you from feeling hurt but apparently I'm not doing that....we need to talk about this not hide it from eachother...lets talk

"I see checkmate in two..."

"The truth will set you free." What a load of bullshit (at least in my case) because I told the truth and you know what happened a bunch of shit...I was open and honest and tried to keep you out of this to make sure that everything would be ok but like everything else it back fired and now it seems I'm to be avoided like the plague, so what if that's not how it is in your eyes this is how it feels to me and maybe that's not enough to qualify as correct but I can't help the way I feel...guess I'm wrong yet again welcome to my life.