Thursday, December 8, 2011

Nothing big everything expendable

Ive only begun to realize how bad an idea it was to leave "the door" open i guess they were waiting for me to slip up never again will i let this happen the problem though is closing the door ive spent years of my life trying to keep them at bay but more and more kept coming through the door i never stopped fighting i never stopped drawing my blades to these hellish nightmareish creatures but eventually i just couldnt fight anymore and now with the brink of a new dawn on my horizon i only wish for the world to bring back my peace

Thursday, December 1, 2011

In other words....it'll never be as it was evre again

Everyone keeps asking me how im doing and where im staying...all i want to say is im alone in this world filled with people im staying in a place that feels like darkness and tears of the fallen loved ones all around the world. Let me be more specific...im homeless just lost my grandmother and my depression and night terrors have made a huge comeback and i can't seem to shake this feeling like im doomed not in that perverbial like "my life sucks" way but more like "im going to die all of a sudden"...while on more than my fair share of occasions ive welcomed that idea ive never enjoyed the idea of leaving my friends or the love of my life behind in the wake of my passing even though i know one day i will pass without warning...leaving now would be like leaving a boss fight in the middle of the breaking point. there are certain people id like to mention here Kat, Hayden, Katie, Brandi, John, Brett, Roger, Danni, Ruby, Mikey and yes even Dominique you all have effected me in the best ways some more than others but you've all always had my back in one way or another...(if i missed you sorry) for a select few of you...you all knew how bad things were for me but you did what i asked and treated me no different for how weak i truely was...but as i grew stronger no i didnt i only hid from what was hurting me and right now at this very moment all i want to do is go to the top of a tall building stand near the ledge and scream till my lungs bleed...scream until even the darkness cowers in a corner because of my fear inducing screams

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

And the hits keep coming like a barrage of swords

Ive been through quite a lot in my little life but nothing could have prepaired me for what was coming this time not only am i homeless and mooching off my friends (although they would beg to differ) but my family has been making me feel like shit and guilt tripping me and now ontop of all of this to put the fucking cherry on top of this shit sundae my grandmother is dead...i feel the depression slowly changing me but i couldnt tell her that i couldnt let her down like that...oh well i guess ill just suck it up and bury these feelings

Sunday, November 20, 2011

H-O-M-E-L-E-S-S

I just want it to stop the pain the agony the suffering....ive spent more than enough time bettering myself and what do i have to show for it NOTHING FUCKING NOTHING im homeless great way to say happy thanksgiving and shit so fuck the holidays im done they've been stripped from me....to my friends that have tried im sorry this is just the final straw....i dont see lasting much past christmas....this post is short because i cant show you people how down i am btw my depression is back.....and the worst part i might not see the sun set tomorrow night...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Set fire to the rain

I've always wondered if i was meant to really be here or not and after the past few weeks I've realized I'm not.....Not at all if you look around my life amounts to about 9 boxes....I've always seen myself as a replacement piece and not really a player of this game of life the visions, the night terrors, the things that seem to follow me no matter where i go.....she wants to run away from me because of the words i say and my actions towards her friends that's understandable but i think I'll make it a little easier for her all I'll have to do is kill myself and not only will that solve her problems but it will solve so many more problems in the long run. Now don't get me wrong i love her with all my heart, in fact i love her more than I've loved anyone before but I've obviously failed her so silenced i will go into the early mornings light alone, cold, dead inside with the feeling that I'm not really needed around here anymore. She will never know that she filled a hole in my heart that is what gave me hope...but the minute i read how much pain I've put her through i know i don't deserve it.I plan to kill myself the day of our one year anniversary not to spite her or to try to harm her in any way shape or form...it's simply to know that i will leave some mark on this world so that my soul will rest well.
What i really want is to be shot in the back of the head just so that things will be easy for me or for some stranger to kill me painlessly and quick so that i can just leave and not come back....If i get this internship i'm going to jump from the tallest building i can find and make sure that well....i never come back...so she can move on from me...a mistake, a bump, the wrong guy...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I guess this means forever...alone in the darkness

I broke i let myself believe that i deserved to live...i was wrong...and thats why on my 19th birthday i tried to hang myself like i've tried to for the past 4 years...I dont know where to start but i guess ill start at the beginning which begins 4 years ago when i was 15.....it was the second time i tried to hang my self i had tried earlier on my actual birthday...i was wandering alone cold lost like i had been doing for years....the ugly one the smelly one the gay one....the sick one the dying one the bleeding one. All i had ever wanted to do was live a semi-normal life but id never been allowed that. So many years ive spent bleeding in my own bed just wanting to finally not wake up. I always put on a brave face for my friends because i've always been a rock for them an example of how someone can take so much crap and just keep going but in all honesty i havent been going since i was about 14. I've spent so much of my time either letting myself be heartbroken or letting myself be hurt by everything anyone could use to hurt me so i guess i was just letting myself be used to it but i never really got used to it, everytime it happened it felt like someone was cutting my wrists back open i guess i never wanted to say anything because i figured if it kept happeneing i could just kill myself and everyone would assume it was their fault and not that i was depressed to begin with.Ever since i started dating people all ive done is let people down and hurt people...everytime i though i had found someone i was hurt more and more especially with stephanie she broke my physical spirit my will to live and my mental stability...every year at least four times a year i try to kill myself and everytime i get right there to do it and something stops me but...why i dont even know but ive been cutting for the past two months feeling the pain again but refusing to tell anyone....not that this is anyones fault but my own because im the asshole im the fuck up i cant even recognize when somethings wrong with my girlfriend....im a horrible boyfriend im a worse person for believing i was deserving of any of the kindness left to me it was never about making anyone feel bad or putting this off on anyone else it was always about showing to myself how little my own life meant why... alot of you are probrobly asking your selfs why would i want to be non existant in this world well to answer that truthfully because my life means nothing, zero, nilche why bother wasting the breath it would take to save me when someone else is more deserving. ive always thought that once ive given the life skills my friends need and shown them how to use them that i would be ready to die.....its all about perciving it i thought i was ready on the morning of my nineteenth birthday but aparently not all im saying here is im tired of fighting and fighting and fighting and winding up a broken man again....ive fought this diabetes for most of my life and im losing badily all i want to do is give up because im sure when 21 comes around ill be dead ive accepted that so ill just prepair and leave my knowlege documented and my memories scattered so that it will be easy to let go....i guess in all this theres a simple message...im ready to quit to surrender to whatever is eating me up inside.....im sorry to those who think this is your fault its not its my own i shouldve never been allowed to live i shouldve died 14 years ago on my way to childrens hospital i shouldve just collapsed and never woken up it wouldve saved everyone the pain of knowing me......i sincerily apologize for all ive done to you all i meant no harm but because i probrobly cause it physically or mentally im sorry from the depth of my soul...whats left of it....im sorry.
Sincerily,
William Andrew Heffernan
D.O.B-10/26/1992
Diabetic/severe depression

this last part is for her....my flower amongst the weeds...im so sorry for hurting you so much and im sorry for making you do stuff you never wanted to do i know now im the bad person and im the one who deserves to die well in the next two years i may be able to grant you that small gratitude. im deeply sorry for everything ive done 
.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

i crawl towards the angels but theyve turned there back

all there is in my vision is blackened night. these night terrors haunt me like a wolf hunts its pray. all i want is releif but i see none...shes staved some of them away but the pain rings through my body still. i lose sleep i toss i turn but all i want is to be ok again...

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Into the nothing....

All i can think of is that dark place i went when i died it was so calming and peaceful and i loved it but coming back to the darkness in my own life has been hard. its almost like everything has a lessened effect on me unless it means something to me. I guess with everything thats been going on as of late i just feel like i want to fade back there bc nothing was stressful or dramatized or difficult there i could just die in peace...i know thats bad but what am i supposed to do just never think negitivly? I just want life to come together to not be so fuckin hard anymore but i guess thats just a tad to much to ask so maybe ill just let myself die bc it seems like the world wants me too otherwise this wouldnt be so fucking hard...I love her and i wouldnt want to do anything to hurt her but unfortunatley taking my life might be the only way to save myself....ive become a burden on those around me i have to beg and barrow to get most of what i need and i hate myself for it....im such a loser for all of this i cant take care of myself i cant get a job i cant satisfy anyone and the worst part is ive let everyone down.All i can think of is how everyone will be expecting me to die and if thats the truth i should just roll over and die....i should just except that im going to die and die its that simple let me walk into the nothing and fade from everyones mind alot of my friends right now would disagree now but in a month or so when ive had to barrow constently theyre gunna want me gone and its just that simple. Ive just lost all hope in myself and i know she thinks different but i love her and shes better off without a drain like me in fact i might just drop off the face of the earth and die alone in a coma somewhere where i can be eaten by animals so no one has to spend another dime on me bc itll just be the easiest thing for everyone.....i bid thee a fond farewell....

Thursday, January 20, 2011

These are the first few steps on the longest journey

I may have only been alive for 18 years but let me fill you in on a little secret I've learned more in my 18 years than most people learn in a lifetime. As a child i struggled with being super awkward and really anti-social but i made friends only to hide stuff from them... the abuse i suffered was crippling most of it mental and emotional but there was physical and it only started the steady downfall of the broken man you see before you. I for the longest time hid my pain and suffering from people by learning to read them and take on there problems no matter what it cost me i did this until the fateful day came when i was diagnosed with diabetes and death came knocking on my door....i had died and the place i went to was so dark and so lonely but i felt at peace floating on that black water on that raft until those flashes of light brought me back to the world. I was put in a room with a kid who had cancer and in the time i spent at the hospital in Boston he died in the middle of the night that was the first time i never knew someone long but he had a profound effect on my life. over the next few years i faced discrimination and hatred from everyone it destroyed me to the point where i didnt even know who i was anymore. My father was in jail for the better part of my childhood and i was also taken away from my parents for a period of time. All of these events have messed with me so much and taken such a profound effect of how i am that i couldn't begin to explain the differences that have occurred. We have come to the first rest stop on my ever expanding journey