I broke i let myself believe that i deserved to live...i was wrong...and thats why on my 19th birthday i tried to hang myself like i've tried to for the past 4 years...I dont know where to start but i guess ill start at the beginning which begins 4 years ago when i was 15.....it was the second time i tried to hang my self i had tried earlier on my actual birthday...i was wandering alone cold lost like i had been doing for years....the ugly one the smelly one the gay one....the sick one the dying one the bleeding one. All i had ever wanted to do was live a semi-normal life but id never been allowed that. So many years ive spent bleeding in my own bed just wanting to finally not wake up. I always put on a brave face for my friends because i've always been a rock for them an example of how someone can take so much crap and just keep going but in all honesty i havent been going since i was about 14. I've spent so much of my time either letting myself be heartbroken or letting myself be hurt by everything anyone could use to hurt me so i guess i was just letting myself be used to it but i never really got used to it, everytime it happened it felt like someone was cutting my wrists back open i guess i never wanted to say anything because i figured if it kept happeneing i could just kill myself and everyone would assume it was their fault and not that i was depressed to begin with.Ever since i started dating people all ive done is let people down and hurt people...everytime i though i had found someone i was hurt more and more especially with stephanie she broke my physical spirit my will to live and my mental stability...every year at least four times a year i try to kill myself and everytime i get right there to do it and something stops me but...why i dont even know but ive been cutting for the past two months feeling the pain again but refusing to tell anyone....not that this is anyones fault but my own because im the asshole im the fuck up i cant even recognize when somethings wrong with my girlfriend....im a horrible boyfriend im a worse person for believing i was deserving of any of the kindness left to me it was never about making anyone feel bad or putting this off on anyone else it was always about showing to myself how little my own life meant why... alot of you are probrobly asking your selfs why would i want to be non existant in this world well to answer that truthfully because my life means nothing, zero, nilche why bother wasting the breath it would take to save me when someone else is more deserving. ive always thought that once ive given the life skills my friends need and shown them how to use them that i would be ready to die.....its all about perciving it i thought i was ready on the morning of my nineteenth birthday but aparently not all im saying here is im tired of fighting and fighting and fighting and winding up a broken man again....ive fought this diabetes for most of my life and im losing badily all i want to do is give up because im sure when 21 comes around ill be dead ive accepted that so ill just prepair and leave my knowlege documented and my memories scattered so that it will be easy to let go....i guess in all this theres a simple message...im ready to quit to surrender to whatever is eating me up inside.....im sorry to those who think this is your fault its not its my own i shouldve never been allowed to live i shouldve died 14 years ago on my way to childrens hospital i shouldve just collapsed and never woken up it wouldve saved everyone the pain of knowing me......i sincerily apologize for all ive done to you all i meant no harm but because i probrobly cause it physically or mentally im sorry from the depth of my soul...whats left of it....im sorry.
Sincerily,
William Andrew Heffernan
D.O.B-10/26/1992
Diabetic/severe depression
this last part is for her....my flower amongst the weeds...im so sorry for hurting you so much and im sorry for making you do stuff you never wanted to do i know now im the bad person and im the one who deserves to die well in the next two years i may be able to grant you that small gratitude. im deeply sorry for everything ive done
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