Never feel good enough.

So I know that I say things that hurt and say things that are bad but as it stands I feel like we're going to drift away when I move away...I know we both said we're going to try but I can't help but feel that because we're both not fond of long distance relationships things aren't going to work out well...not saying we're not going to try but I'm just scared.

No longer will I stand by and watch this beauty be taken by the darkness

Why do you hide from me like this two years and your still hiding from me, I can see your hurting,I can see your in pain....I can see it, and it kills me to see this happening and knowing that I cant help you because your afraid for some reason that I'm going to leave but I'm not,I'm not going anywhere but if you keep this up I'll have no where to go because I wont leave you but I won't be close because I'd rather be in the freezing cold of the night then watch as someone beautiful destroys themself.
Things have been better they've been getting a lot better but why then must the darkness come creeping in like a monster into a childs mind. I wonder why must all these things fall apart when they become fixed once again. Tell me what side will win the darkness in your head or the love that fills your life and heart?

So now I feel bad

So after getting my taxes I went and paid some bills and bought myself some movies and of course now I feel like shit for spending money in myself and feel like I'm going to get yelled at... I'm thinking I need to set up a savings account to dump all my extra money into...

To much, to little, to heavy for one man to hold on his own

You ever feel like your the worst kind of person? Well take that and multiply that by about 10,000 and add some feeling like a shit bag and then sprinkle on feeling worthless and useless and like if you disappeared it wouldn't matter and that's how I feel most of the time. I feel like I fail everyone every time I try to do well anything.
I try to be open with people but the downside is that leaves me venerable and I've been hurt so much in my life I feel I obsolete like I've lived past my usefulness.
I'm at work and I've locked myself in the bathroom hoping that these feelings will subside but I know they won't because there's always a voice telling me I've failed her and let her down and ill never be the man she needs....I wonder will I just be better off dead...... I just don't know. I want to cry and scream and just let all of these feelings go....hopefully things will get better

And this is where it gets awkward

So just because I want to get this out there because I don't think I can tell anyone about this.....I suck at sex sure I talk a big game but I've just gotten lucky A LOT my diabetes becomes a huge handicap because if I'm not on point with everything then my sex drive plummets and I start losing we shall say "abilities" and I feel embarrassed and self conscious and in the end it makes me not want to have sex even more then there's the whole I don't (believe) I'm satisfying my partner, I'm a "quick study" but she takes time and I feel horrible when I can't give her what she wants. At the same time has growing up with this looming cloud of what sex SHOULD be warped my perception of what sex actually is, am I in all reality perfectly fine the way I am......I don't know and all I do know is that I don't feel normal in this sense.

I am the knife

I'm not here to make anyone feel bad or upset anyone, this time I'm here to just state how I'm feeling and leave it at that.
Between not sleeping much at all, my night terrors worsening, and feeling like and utter failure as a boyfriend I'm beginning to thing I've finally lost it....I've failed to make her believe that she's a princess,to show her how important she is to not just me but everyone around her. She wants me to move hours away so that ill have a stable place to live...but what she forgets time after time is that home is where the heart is and my heart is where ever she is. Yes I'm stressed and slightly depressed and not sleeping and not eating and aggravated and ready to pull my fucking hair out but after two years the one constant that I've wanted in my life is her.

I know you'll read this and be upset but I'm not blaming you at all for anything I'm just afraid that your keeping me at arms length and that ill lose you because I'll shut down and eventually just stop being me...I love you and NOTHING will change that I just fear I'm losing you.

Win or lose its how the game plays you

You never really understand how much of a fucking loser you are until you realize your two years out of high school and all you've managed to do is accrue medical bills and become homeless twice over. I love my girlfriend and she's done so much for me and makes me feel awesome (I know that sounds stupid but I'm exhausted and running off like no sleep bear with me) . My friends as a whole have also done so much for me and I thank them while heartedly. Brandi, Hayden, Jessie, Ruby, Danni the lot of you have helped me out in so many different ways and I can't thank you guys enough.

And just for all you who read this when I say "win or lose its how the game plays you" I'm referring to not letting life dictate what and who you become because in the end most people lose themselves in the day to day.

I leave you with this quote because this is one of the few truths in the world.
"I hate that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live."