Win or lose its how the game plays you

You never really understand how much of a fucking loser you are until you realize your two years out of high school and all you've managed to do is accrue medical bills and become homeless twice over. I love my girlfriend and she's done so much for me and makes me feel awesome (I know that sounds stupid but I'm exhausted and running off like no sleep bear with me) . My friends as a whole have also done so much for me and I thank them while heartedly. Brandi, Hayden, Jessie, Ruby, Danni the lot of you have helped me out in so many different ways and I can't thank you guys enough.

And just for all you who read this when I say "win or lose its how the game plays you" I'm referring to not letting life dictate what and who you become because in the end most people lose themselves in the day to day.

I leave you with this quote because this is one of the few truths in the world.
"I hate that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live."

Enter the zanpaktou rebellion

Things have been rough no doubt and I get it....I'm just as bad as he is sometimes with the bashing of people and for that fact I'm sorry, I'm trying to lay off and just let whatever negative feelings I have for him roll away because my feelings for you are greater and will always be greater than whatever hatred or anger I hold towards him.
I know things get shaky and we fight sometimes and we get on each others nerves and such but what couple doesn't have these problems especially because we've been living in each others pockets for several months, we were bound to fight and get upset then add on the fact that our respective friends don't get along that ads more pressure and fuel to the fire and then there (was) my jealousy towards him it just seemed like he was getting more of your time and attention then I was and I know this isn't a competition to see who can get more of your attention but I can't help but get frustrated because well my track record speaks for itself most people use me as a "gateway" boyfriend so they can get what they really want or who in these situations, now I'm not saying your like everyone else but what I am saying is I scare easily and I worry about losing you every day because you'll find someone better than me...because in the end I may be one of a kind but that makes me a lot easier to forget.
Now just so I'm being as clear as I hope I'm being
1.I love you and will always love you.
2.I may hate him but he is your best friend and I can respect that.
3.We may fight but even in those times of arguing my love for you never weans.
4.You are the most beautiful women (both inside and out) I have ever had the grace of laying my eyes on.

I love you and I hope this gets to you soon.

Why can't you just accept my love.

So it's come to this why can't you just accept my love it's like after two years you'd think that ya know we'd have some sort of trust but because of John and everyone else manipulating you because at this point thats what it is. I love you but I need some privacy and that's what tumblr and facebook is for me and by invading it you betrayed my trust and let me say something I looked at your facebook and you flipped and told me that it wasn't fucking ok so I backed off and gave you your space and respected your space but apparently my space is free to invade so what the fuck is it you want me to leave? you want me to just dissapear because thats whats going to happen if you dont stop pushing me away. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND OTHERWISE THE EVENTUAL END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP IS NIGH.

So this be the final stand

You want a break, but you don't want a break....I'm trying to be the person you want me to be but why does it seem no one listens, does no one have patience, time these things take time to work and I especially will take time to get a hold of these things but it seems at every turn I'm wrong, it seems that I only let you down, disappoint, upset, or anger you and the things your friends say hurt too. Are you afraid of intimacy with me, do I disgust you, or is it just simply the fact that you don't believe me when I look into your eyes and tell you that you're so beautiful. I'm tired, broken, wilting, crumbling under the pressure and the intense pain of not knowing what your going to do I love you nothing will change that and somehow I think you know that which is why you do what you do because my love is never waning. I guess all I can do now is sit and watch like a small child as you ponder over your desicion.   

I guess I'm just not what she needs.....

She's right I'm a small child no adult....and it's my fault she hurts herself. Every time I think about us I realize everything is my fault and I can't help but realize that I am the worst kind of person....maybe I should just...disappear because it's killing me to see her hurt at my hands....I hope we can get past all the problems we have.....

Loop me through infinity back into my grave

It's very simple we fought,I left,I came back,We loved being in each others arms again but I can't help but have that thought in the back of my head....John someone I used to be really good friends with has become one of my worst enemies because he has liked my girlfriend since he met her back in December,The things he does most of the time piss me off. He one ups me and basically has almost filled my position in Kaites life he makes her laugh,smile,happy in general things I have lost the ability to do. I don't know what to do because well.... latley I've been neglecting my own health to help everyone else. I'm at a point where I'm planning the least painful way to kill myself and I've come to the conclusion that I'll just take a bunch of sleeping medications and drift off to sleep one final time.

Katie- None of this is your fault in fact I blame myself wholeheartedly for this happening. I wish you nothing but happiness and good tidings in your life. I know It's going to hurt but It's not that I don't love you because I do really love you so much but when you see how close death is like I do you can't help but give up...I screwed up my one and only chance to be with you. I hope you understand that I'll miss you everyday and I hope you can forgive me for this.....I love you Catherine Rae Wilcox You will always be my one true love.

Hayden/Kat/Brandi-You guys are the are what friends should aspire to be. Hayden, In the time we've known each other we've learned to read each other like a book and I can't thank you enough for helping me as much as you have I wish things didn't have to come to this but I've lost my way and this is the only path I've found. Kat....I'm crying writing this especially this part because as my sister this is going to hurt you a lot...I couldn't have asked for a better friend,sister,companion and confidant for the past 10 years....I'm sorry I had to leave like this. Brandi, again ten years have gone by since we first met. There are things that you know about me that most people don't and what hurts me about this is having to leave my sister behind...I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I'll never forget the pokemans,digimans,Bleach,Hetalia,Doctor Who,MLP,Zombies or anything else we enjoyed together. I'm sorry guys.

All my friends/family-I'm sorry I couldn't handle it but after all of the comments from doctors and such I just can't handle it anymore I tried but I couldn't handle it...please live like I taught you to I want you all to be successful don;t let a single person tell you no you can't because I know you can!

-Will-
I hereby leave my belongings to 1)Catherine Rae Wilcox 2)Kat Rose Radamaker 3)Brandi Lee Peake 4)Hayden Alton Sanford 5)Danni Rae Underhill 6)Dan Anderson. These people can disrtibute them as they see fit. I wish to be cremated and have my ashes spread over Shibuya Station in Shibuya,Tokyo,Japan. that is all I hope everyone can forgive me.

I have failed

So i am moving out of my girlfriends house and the whole reasoning is basically i am wrong i will always be wrong and as a person i am made wrong so until i can be right i might aswell have lost her to him