It's a wonder she still loves me

I feel like I deserve a little slack here between falling on and off my insulin and trying to repair our relationship I'm a little mood swingy and a little on edge so yes that comment did hurt but instead of being pissed off about it I went to cool down and tried not to make a big deal about it but as usual I can't stop myself from beating myself up and so I posted a status, Your obviously all set with me and I can't blame you who would want to be with me I'm damaged goods right? I'm just another broken heart...I just don't know where we stand right now and that scares me because If I'm there for you but you don't want to be there for me the inevitable crash on my behalf will surely end with disastrous results. I guess I'll just swallow whatever "pride" I have and talk to you about this. I can't keep holding you back.

Don't you just love little visits

Of course people show up asking me for money....the only reason I said yes is because I can't in good mind set let a three year old child sleep on the street...this shit where people don't talk to me unless they need something is getting really old. My relationship is so back and forth I don't know which way is up I love her but shes right I'm a hot fucking mess and causing most of our problems so my conundrum becomes do I break up and try to deal with my issues or do I sit in silence and give her the rest of my love...even if that means breaking down the last few pillars holding me up, She deserves all of me and at this rate she'll have it and more but because I'm unstable it might mean something bad for me.

Is this really how this ends

All the information being thrown at me is conflicting in the worst ways, she says she still loves me but communication is at an all time low and whenever I look at her I feel like her gaze casts nothing but hatred toward me....not that I blame her I'm a horrible person who does horrible things I'm surprised she hasn't dumped me yet I guess she's finally gotten fed up dealing with my bullshit, she deserves better so much better I'm a self destructive, hating person and with how things have been lately I can only assume its my negative attitude that drove everyone away including her.....I'm a horrible person I beg of someone end my miserable excuse of an existence 

The straw that broke the camels back....

I get it I'm a fucking horrible boyfriend and I'm sorry that things have gotten to this point, I never wanted them to and your right everything you had addressed over our relationship was for the better. But I guess I just ruined everything I fucked up I made a mess of everything It's all my fault, don't bother even thinking that any of this was on you because It's all my fault and it always will be so don't worry I'll take all the heat that comes from this because in the end you'll be the victim and I'll be the perpetrator so everyone will see me as the bad guy and I'm fine with that because it means you don't have to deal with all the extra emotional damage that'll come with it. So I guess I'll just fall back into my habits again and sit back and watch as I fall into obscurity.

A little more from me to the abyss

So even though I promised more then a few people, I relapsed and not on drugs or alcohol....I'm sorry everyone

So a final sword for a final chapter.....

I sit here tears in my eyes falling....maybe shes right maybe there is someone better for her then me, I mean honestly I know I'm a bad person and a horrible boyfriend but this hurts more then I could have ever imagined. I wonder if she knows that video games are helping me cope with my depression I wonder if she know that even if I lose her my heart will always ache because she will always have a piece of me....I wonder what will become of our friendship if things really break this time....I have failed I have become complacent and lost her love and it seems I can't fix it now....maybe I should give into temptation....maybe she'd be better off without me, maybe I am a necessary evil whose sole purpose is to be alone. I feel so cold as I read her words it's been true I am a burden to those around me. I know you will read this and I just want you to know that I will always love you and you will always hold a special place in my heart Thank you for all you've done for me...I promise to not be a burden on you anymore when I move out you won't have to put up with me and my shitty ways....
 I'm sorry I let you down and failed you.....

A little of this a pile of that

I wonder sometimes if that saying that "everyone is destined for something great in their own life" is actually true because I always feel like I'm destined for death...for nothing more then to lay in the dirt and rot forever. I know that things in life aren't easy and in my life they've been far from it but it would be nice to catch a break every no and again.

Right now I just feel so alone, no texts no calls no messages no anything...just complete "radio silence" and it seems now more then ever that my fate lay with my death.