Time of dying....

I've come to this point where I am....well ready to die every time this has come up I've berried it and now I just can't hold this in anymore I want to die because I can't provide for her, I can't make her happy I've failed her. It's basically like this I love her so much that if I lose her I will have no choice but to end my life.....I love you all but I can't handle this...

Wild ones

So I've been out of commision for about  a week now and its killing me to not see katie and to be stuck in a room all day....A few of my biggest problems here are :My manager being fucking bi polar with the shit shes saying to and about me, the pain deciding to fuck with me, and everyone told me i should quit but now all of a sudden i shouldnt cause well just cause this shit has to stop make up my mind because obviously whatever i choose will be wrong.

second off ive lost track of my insulin again but im trying to get back on it i just keep coming down on myself so hard and it didnt help when the doc weighed me i lost 20lbs i guess im just doomed to fail.

Dilly Dally Shilly Shally

Never thought I'd feel this stupid ever I merely suggested that moving away from this hell hole would be a great fucking idea seeing as all the problems we have are here but, alas I was once again wrong for trying to think of a way to save US from all the unneeded bullshit that goes down on this sandbar we call an island. She doesn't want to and I can see it in her eyes every time I say something about it. All she had to say was "I don't really wanna move, I love my family too much to leave." and I would've been fine with it but yet again I had to sit and watch her face as I talked to see that she didn't want anything to do with my idea...This is not to say we aren't getting along because we are really well it's just when she chooses to share things with other people instead of me It upsets me, it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me and worst of all it belittles me in a bad way. I miss how life used to be my good friends were still here and around all the time while drama was high it was dealt with swiftly and with a sense of urgency...Now I'm pretty much alone few friends to speak of and endless waves of drama keep flowing in. I'm drowning and all I really want is to go back to when my life made sense...I'm 19 soon to be 20 and I feel trapped by this man-made shit hole we call home....I wanna leave,take off just never look back but...shes tethered here by her family and plethora of friends,so while she shines bright I'll just sit here and fade into obscurity or better yet I'll actually go through with offing myself...maybe it's for the best....I just don't know anymore  

Never thought i would come this close to losing her

I don;t know exactly what to say here other than i guess I'm just really fucking up hard like horribly hard so much so that I'm close to losing the best thing that has ever happened to me and if that happens i will follow through with my suicide attempt this time because i don't wanna live if my heart is broken this time because there wont be anything left to put back together...shes asleep now and i told her i wouldn't ever read her facebook messages again and I'm not going to break that promise. I know my own insecurities are getting in the way but I'm trying to put them aside its hard for me but I'm trying really hard. i guess the only way to end this post is with some song lyrics and a promise that I'm going to go for a walk and maybe ill get what i deserve delivered in the form of a car speeding down a residential area and plowing me down.

I don't wanna lose you by Jamestown Story
"I've been losing sleep for a while now
Thinkin' about us
And its hard to pretend that we're doing okay
When we're not
And its killing me slowly

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

You've been losing faith
For a while now
And I'm lost for words
And for we are having problems
If you are willing we can solve them
In time
I'm just begging you to try

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
Please don't walk away
I need you to stay
To get through
Somethings gotta give

I hope we can get passed all the problems have
And let go
cause I still believe we have the chance

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

Everynight I dream about the days you and I
Both seem so happy
If only I knew what we'd go through to get here"

PLease read this baby and know I love you and I'm sorry

a month of pain and self hatred

Apparently im just thee stupidest motherfucker on this planet because well i am im slowly losing  myself in all the drama and right now i feel like im losing her and everything i know to be true. Ive said things that as they leave my mouth i regret yes but why is it that youd all rather just sit there and hide shit like how you really didnt appreciate that comment i just maid. youd all rather hide and then when i find out you get upset....well how do you think i feel when i find out that most of my friends "tolerate" my stupid petty ass...it doesnt help my feeling of loneliness and being left alone...if you guys dont want me around so be it ill leave you guys to trash me and my name and i wont even bat and eye because its what you guys want. my entire life all ive wanted to do is belong but apparently im asking to much of everything in this world...I love Catherine Rae Wilcox with all my heart and will always love her.....i guess im just getting to this point in my life where i find out if i can really fly or weather im just doomed to fall to my death....im the worst kind of person and now im finding out ill probably never change because assholes like me dont change pieces of scum low down shit dont get a second chance i never will. Ive always wondered what people would say if i died and now im realizing the few people who would be there might be sad but most would express joy towards my timely demise and departure from this floating rock. I will go silent around everyone i might utter a few words to a few people but the most anyone will hear from me is "Hi welcome to hess how may i help you?" I have apparently stranded myself in the middle of no where with nothing no one and absolutely no reason to carry on except her she makes me wanna get up in the morning to live but apparently thats not a good thing im sorry that shits been bad for me im doing the best i can to make the best out of what ive been given but its not easy i wont stop loving you no matter what and i want you to see that but it hurts when i spill what ive been holding in and it means nothing...i guess for now ill just take it and hide it all away again and see how well that works....no words no motions just a blank slate of emotionless face...here we go one last go around....im sorry that ive let you all down....

Mask of velonica

As of late my stress level has grown exponentially and unfortunately my body is reacting in a bad way...night terrors are getting worse with the stress not to mention my emotions are spiraling out of control. I feel like I'm not the man Katie wants me to be and that she would rather have someone more stable in their lives(health, wealth ect.) i know I'm probably wrong but it's just the feeling I have and it bothers me even if I'm not thinking about it.
I know I'm supposed to just accept that she loves me and I do it's not that I don't know that she loves me because I know she does it's weather or not I deserve her love I've fucked up quite a few times in this relationship and I don't know if she trusts me fully or weather I'm just walking around half trusted and such.

All in all I guess I'm more worried she will realize that she can do better and leave me it's always been a fear of mine and will always be a fear of mine because along with that she would join the night terrors that haunt me so much and I don't think I could mentally and physically handle that. I just don't know anymore 

And a 1 and a 2 and a....WTF GUYS SERIOUSLY!

I call gawd damn shannanagins on this whole fucking situation ive invested so much of my fucking time into this trip and all ive gotten out of it is a major migraine and bitchy people.
For those of you who aren't following i am planning the anime boston trip for my friends this year and as usual people are being fucking stupid about everything. thought i had a hotel nope thought we had transportation figured out nope thought everything was good but apparently no one trusts me. I mean dont get me wrong my wonderful girlfriend has my back but far from that im pretty much standing alone at this podium waiting for my own demise here. so lets summarize real quick....1.stupid issues 2.hotel issues 3.A lack of trust in their leader.

For those of my friends who will read this (kat,hayden) i miss you guys and any advice would be most welcomed from you guys