A wondrous idea

As I type this, it could very well be my last words to the world, then again I could fail and be back at a later time. It's my 21st birthday and as I sit here alone in the cold, surrounded by woods my mind is compiling all the ways I could kill myself and stop all the pain I feel. I can only repeat "No,I'm fine." So many times before I can no longer believe it, I can only cry so many tears before my body rejects the thought of life,death is a warm embrace. To all those who say that people would miss me and that i haven't lived my life....well yes people would miss me but my life? Not worth living, I can't look at myself and continue to manufacture reasons why I shouldn't just drop myself into some dark pit. Yes there are people who love me but, I would rather be a small reminder of how even the strong fall then live pretending to be strong.... 

Hours later after putting on my best face and doing my best to keep it together the pain just welled up in my chest, I want to cry,scream be upset but I can't it would put to many people "out of sorts" because "it's my birthday, you should be happy." I guess I just wonder how tonight will end, with the loss of a life or with the darkness building a stronger force?

What the hell was I expecting

Another year another birthday killed before it can even get off the ground, I don't know why I'm surprised but I guess my plans for enjoying this day have gone right out the fucking window. So happy fucking birthday to me hopefully ill be dead before Christmas....

FlashBacks

Last night something happened that, mentally, makes me want to shut down and just be a recluse like I was before all of this. I know I may be over reacting but when someone yells at me I feel "small", weak, un-loved. When someone yells at me I clam up especially if it's someone I care about so her yelling at be even for those few seconds hurts a lot.....I don't know how this is going to effect me, but I know it's going to set me back a few steps mentally...