Fuck

After being in and out of the hospital and er for the past month and a half-ish I though I might be going on the right track with Katie. We've been talking and hanging out. Then I went and fucked everything all up by thinking with the wrong head. All I want right now is to keep her in my life but that option seems to be fading faster and faster. I want her to believe that I'm here for her and that I'm not ever intentionally trying to hurt her but I don't think she will ever believe that.....I just want a little bit of my safe haven back.....even if it is as just a friend

Little wonders.......

Reading those words only made it more real that, I had in fact lost the best thing in my life.
By no means do I expect her to take me back.....What I do hope for is a friendship....but again I don't expect it. Will it hurt and will it take awhile for me to not see her in the way I do and have for almost four years absolutely. I have to live with what I did and the fucked up part is that I won't ever forgive myself for this, like so many other things I will continue to punish myself day in and day out until one day I feel I have been justly punished. I understand that you can't believe that I love you if I did what I did but, I do and I will always, It's not that I refuse to move on....it's that you opened me up and I gave away a piece of myself to you and to know that you've packed up the roses and all the memories of us, hurts more then any words I can think of can describe. Do I hope one day that we might get a second chance, absolutely with every broken fiber of my being do I wish for that. There aren't words that I can muster to apologize for what happened....I'm not trying to play the victim and this isn't a ploy for attention but right now I feel so alone, so secluded within my own mental prison that I want to turn to you....but I can't and I almost feel as if it would be better for me to just disappear, you would be free without me around and everyone could happily move on knowing I'm not around to fuck everything up.....I know you want to move away and I understand why, but will I lose even the friendship if you do....

I wonder if maybe I bleed and I hurt if something in the universe will bring you back to me, that maybe if I break not only my mental but physical being maybe something will take pity on me and bring you back to me. I write these words as a confession and as a guiding light into the shadows, because I will now fade back into where I was when you found me, in the obscurity of the betwixt. I will watch you ascend into the light and smile faintly because you have finally taken your place among the shining light of life.

I....want to die, no matter how numb I want to be I can't, no matter how much I don't want to feel all of these things I have to....maybe if I were to follow through it would help maybe you and everyone else would finally forgive me....and even if that weren't the case, I'd at least have the satisfaction of knowing everyone wouldn't have to be held back by me any more.

I can't sleep, without seeing you without talking to you, my nightmares will haunt me for years about all of this....I don't know if you want me to talk to you about how I feel, hell I don't know what to talk to you about most times.....I want to make myself better but more than that I want to erase myself from this world.

I honestly don't know what else to say, I just want to hug you and cry......

These small hours....

Hours spent crying....and all I can hear in my head is her voice. I changed and I hurt her, and now I'm going to lose her forever, people can say that I only miss having someone to call mine but that's not it at all....I miss her touch, they way her voice calmed the demons in my head and the way she could just hold me and make everything feel better. I don't know if you'll read this but as I stand here leaving for work, knowing what I know and having to live with what I did, the only thing that comes to mind is will there ever be a way for me to win you back....

"These small hours, these little wonder, these twists and turns of fate. Time falls away."

When it rains, it pours....

My life's a mess and I'm so self destructive that I got rid of the best thing in my life because I'm fucking stupid. I miss her, so much it hurts. It hurts to sleep alone, to know I hurt her, to live day to day wanting to die because of the pain I put her through, even through all of this, all of the threats people have sent my way and all of the grief I've put up with and even the loss of friends, I would still go to the ends of the earth to make her happy to see her smile to hear her laugh. It feels like I'm losing her for good and I don't know if I can Handel that, she's one person that I don't ever want to lose for good. I sit here at work typing all this out in hopes she'll read it, in hopes that maybe we can at least salvage something between us because she means the world to me and she still has my heart....I know what I did was wrong and I know it's hard for anyone including her to believe that I still love her but in my heart of hearts I do still love her and everyday I can hold her is a day wasted....

A labyrinth of which there is no escape

Where do you turn when there's no where left to go? 

To the darkness, to the edge to the void where nothing comes back. Yes I want to kill myself yes that seems like a good option, yes that for now would solve my problems, everyone I hurt would stop hurting.

I'm walking home tonight, because I hope someone will run me over and kill me, now before you all lose your shit....I love Katie and I want nothing but the best for her, guess what's not good for her. DING DING DING CORRECT ANSWER it's me! 

When you read this (you know who you are) know a few things

I love you

I know I've fucked up more times then is even remotely ok and you've still forgiven me and for that I that I thank you for.

If I do die tonight....it's not your fault in fact it's no ones fault but my own.

Dad-thank you for raising me to be the man I am today, I guess I just couldn't stop hating myself long enough to see what you do in me.

Ashley, Erin, Cameron, Jesse- I love you guys and I appreciate everything you guys have ever done for me, I will never forget you guys.

Mom- I love you, please stop running around everywhere and take better care of yourself.

To my nieces and nephews-I love each and every one of you so much and just know uncle William is watching over you and he's sorry he couldn't be around to see you grow up.

To my friends- each one of you are special in your own right and I hope that each of you get to fulfill your dreams and do amazing things, never stop waving whatever flag you choose.

Brandi-I've know you for many years....just remember that sometimes a player has to die for the others to succeed  and there's nothing more that I want then you to succeed.

Katie- 3 years and almost 2 months we've been together but when push comes to shove I need you more then you need me and I know no amount of apologizing will fix what I've done but I hope one final apology will suffice.

I'm so terribly sorry for all I've done.

To everyone else....I'm sorry I left like this, but sometimes life just becomes to much.

Another white room sterile of emotions

I fucked up I lead one women on while being with another intentional or not this falls on me to deal with, no amount of sorry or anything will solve the bullshit I've piled up but the only way I can really deal with this is by causing myself pain like I did her the only problem is all that will get me is a trip to another hospital room....

If it doesn't hurt physically prepaid for the emotional wreckage

All I want is for things to be a little easier than they are, is that too much to ask, and before you guys get all rhetorical and whatnot I know the answer is yes that is too much to ask. I love her I really do but do I hurt her more then I help her, the answer is yes, I've watched from my own eyes as I've said I'm helping but only hurt her.

I know for all the bitching and moaning I've done about her you'd think that I would absolve myself of all fault in this relationship but guess what nope, I choose to hurt myself to bring myself to the verge of death and back because well, I crave the attention well not the attention but I need to know I matter and that people care. 

When it comes down to it I really want to build up the courage to kill myself not because of anyone but because I myself have out lived my purpose and have over stayed my welcome on this world....I can only hurt I can never bring joy or happiness or anything like that, all I can offer is anger, sadness and pain.....please forgive me everyone for all I've done I will alleviate myself from you soon just give me some time....