A wondrous idea

As I type this, it could very well be my last words to the world, then again I could fail and be back at a later time. It's my 21st birthday and as I sit here alone in the cold, surrounded by woods my mind is compiling all the ways I could kill myself and stop all the pain I feel. I can only repeat "No,I'm fine." So many times before I can no longer believe it, I can only cry so many tears before my body rejects the thought of life,death is a warm embrace. To all those who say that people would miss me and that i haven't lived my life....well yes people would miss me but my life? Not worth living, I can't look at myself and continue to manufacture reasons why I shouldn't just drop myself into some dark pit. Yes there are people who love me but, I would rather be a small reminder of how even the strong fall then live pretending to be strong.... 

Hours later after putting on my best face and doing my best to keep it together the pain just welled up in my chest, I want to cry,scream be upset but I can't it would put to many people "out of sorts" because "it's my birthday, you should be happy." I guess I just wonder how tonight will end, with the loss of a life or with the darkness building a stronger force?

What the hell was I expecting

Another year another birthday killed before it can even get off the ground, I don't know why I'm surprised but I guess my plans for enjoying this day have gone right out the fucking window. So happy fucking birthday to me hopefully ill be dead before Christmas....

FlashBacks

Last night something happened that, mentally, makes me want to shut down and just be a recluse like I was before all of this. I know I may be over reacting but when someone yells at me I feel "small", weak, un-loved. When someone yells at me I clam up especially if it's someone I care about so her yelling at be even for those few seconds hurts a lot.....I don't know how this is going to effect me, but I know it's going to set me back a few steps mentally...

It's a wonder she still loves me

I feel like I deserve a little slack here between falling on and off my insulin and trying to repair our relationship I'm a little mood swingy and a little on edge so yes that comment did hurt but instead of being pissed off about it I went to cool down and tried not to make a big deal about it but as usual I can't stop myself from beating myself up and so I posted a status, Your obviously all set with me and I can't blame you who would want to be with me I'm damaged goods right? I'm just another broken heart...I just don't know where we stand right now and that scares me because If I'm there for you but you don't want to be there for me the inevitable crash on my behalf will surely end with disastrous results. I guess I'll just swallow whatever "pride" I have and talk to you about this. I can't keep holding you back.

Don't you just love little visits

Of course people show up asking me for money....the only reason I said yes is because I can't in good mind set let a three year old child sleep on the street...this shit where people don't talk to me unless they need something is getting really old. My relationship is so back and forth I don't know which way is up I love her but shes right I'm a hot fucking mess and causing most of our problems so my conundrum becomes do I break up and try to deal with my issues or do I sit in silence and give her the rest of my love...even if that means breaking down the last few pillars holding me up, She deserves all of me and at this rate she'll have it and more but because I'm unstable it might mean something bad for me.

Is this really how this ends

All the information being thrown at me is conflicting in the worst ways, she says she still loves me but communication is at an all time low and whenever I look at her I feel like her gaze casts nothing but hatred toward me....not that I blame her I'm a horrible person who does horrible things I'm surprised she hasn't dumped me yet I guess she's finally gotten fed up dealing with my bullshit, she deserves better so much better I'm a self destructive, hating person and with how things have been lately I can only assume its my negative attitude that drove everyone away including her.....I'm a horrible person I beg of someone end my miserable excuse of an existence 

The straw that broke the camels back....

I get it I'm a fucking horrible boyfriend and I'm sorry that things have gotten to this point, I never wanted them to and your right everything you had addressed over our relationship was for the better. But I guess I just ruined everything I fucked up I made a mess of everything It's all my fault, don't bother even thinking that any of this was on you because It's all my fault and it always will be so don't worry I'll take all the heat that comes from this because in the end you'll be the victim and I'll be the perpetrator so everyone will see me as the bad guy and I'm fine with that because it means you don't have to deal with all the extra emotional damage that'll come with it. So I guess I'll just fall back into my habits again and sit back and watch as I fall into obscurity.