Never thought i would come this close to losing her

I don;t know exactly what to say here other than i guess I'm just really fucking up hard like horribly hard so much so that I'm close to losing the best thing that has ever happened to me and if that happens i will follow through with my suicide attempt this time because i don't wanna live if my heart is broken this time because there wont be anything left to put back together...shes asleep now and i told her i wouldn't ever read her facebook messages again and I'm not going to break that promise. I know my own insecurities are getting in the way but I'm trying to put them aside its hard for me but I'm trying really hard. i guess the only way to end this post is with some song lyrics and a promise that I'm going to go for a walk and maybe ill get what i deserve delivered in the form of a car speeding down a residential area and plowing me down.

I don't wanna lose you by Jamestown Story
"I've been losing sleep for a while now
Thinkin' about us
And its hard to pretend that we're doing okay
When we're not
And its killing me slowly

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

You've been losing faith
For a while now
And I'm lost for words
And for we are having problems
If you are willing we can solve them
In time
I'm just begging you to try

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
Please don't walk away
I need you to stay
To get through
Somethings gotta give

I hope we can get passed all the problems have
And let go
cause I still believe we have the chance

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

Everynight I dream about the days you and I
Both seem so happy
If only I knew what we'd go through to get here"

PLease read this baby and know I love you and I'm sorry

a month of pain and self hatred

Apparently im just thee stupidest motherfucker on this planet because well i am im slowly losing  myself in all the drama and right now i feel like im losing her and everything i know to be true. Ive said things that as they leave my mouth i regret yes but why is it that youd all rather just sit there and hide shit like how you really didnt appreciate that comment i just maid. youd all rather hide and then when i find out you get upset....well how do you think i feel when i find out that most of my friends "tolerate" my stupid petty ass...it doesnt help my feeling of loneliness and being left alone...if you guys dont want me around so be it ill leave you guys to trash me and my name and i wont even bat and eye because its what you guys want. my entire life all ive wanted to do is belong but apparently im asking to much of everything in this world...I love Catherine Rae Wilcox with all my heart and will always love her.....i guess im just getting to this point in my life where i find out if i can really fly or weather im just doomed to fall to my death....im the worst kind of person and now im finding out ill probably never change because assholes like me dont change pieces of scum low down shit dont get a second chance i never will. Ive always wondered what people would say if i died and now im realizing the few people who would be there might be sad but most would express joy towards my timely demise and departure from this floating rock. I will go silent around everyone i might utter a few words to a few people but the most anyone will hear from me is "Hi welcome to hess how may i help you?" I have apparently stranded myself in the middle of no where with nothing no one and absolutely no reason to carry on except her she makes me wanna get up in the morning to live but apparently thats not a good thing im sorry that shits been bad for me im doing the best i can to make the best out of what ive been given but its not easy i wont stop loving you no matter what and i want you to see that but it hurts when i spill what ive been holding in and it means nothing...i guess for now ill just take it and hide it all away again and see how well that works....no words no motions just a blank slate of emotionless face...here we go one last go around....im sorry that ive let you all down....

Mask of velonica

As of late my stress level has grown exponentially and unfortunately my body is reacting in a bad way...night terrors are getting worse with the stress not to mention my emotions are spiraling out of control. I feel like I'm not the man Katie wants me to be and that she would rather have someone more stable in their lives(health, wealth ect.) i know I'm probably wrong but it's just the feeling I have and it bothers me even if I'm not thinking about it.
I know I'm supposed to just accept that she loves me and I do it's not that I don't know that she loves me because I know she does it's weather or not I deserve her love I've fucked up quite a few times in this relationship and I don't know if she trusts me fully or weather I'm just walking around half trusted and such.

All in all I guess I'm more worried she will realize that she can do better and leave me it's always been a fear of mine and will always be a fear of mine because along with that she would join the night terrors that haunt me so much and I don't think I could mentally and physically handle that. I just don't know anymore 

And a 1 and a 2 and a....WTF GUYS SERIOUSLY!

I call gawd damn shannanagins on this whole fucking situation ive invested so much of my fucking time into this trip and all ive gotten out of it is a major migraine and bitchy people.
For those of you who aren't following i am planning the anime boston trip for my friends this year and as usual people are being fucking stupid about everything. thought i had a hotel nope thought we had transportation figured out nope thought everything was good but apparently no one trusts me. I mean dont get me wrong my wonderful girlfriend has my back but far from that im pretty much standing alone at this podium waiting for my own demise here. so lets summarize real quick....1.stupid issues 2.hotel issues 3.A lack of trust in their leader.

For those of my friends who will read this (kat,hayden) i miss you guys and any advice would be most welcomed from you guys

Never would have though i"d come this far just to bow to this

I guess it's been awhile since I've talked like this but bear with me as I explain exactly how the past few weeks went down.

I found out that my girlfriend wanted to break up with me because of the way i was treating my own body...valid reason seeing as I am a brittle diabetic and have spent most of my life in turmoil with this disease but, I'm trying I really am over the past few weeks I've gotten better with taking my shots but today I almost had a seizure and that scares me more than anything.I realized that Everyone's there to support me and i just need to carry on. I know my depressions back and im worried that itll break us up......i just am so confused and need help which ill get i just dont know anymore

One last moon

simple....she no longer feels I'm a viable partner because Ive accepted death as an all to real reality for me but I'm not giving up yet I'm trying but the more i read how shes feels the worse off i feel my depression is in high gear and has been since September but i havens let on and its only made worse by my own head when i read about  how shes torn between breaking up with me because she wants a viable future or staying with me because she still feels for me. I've never been one to force anyone to make a decision but this waiting in my own head is killing me and i just don't know if i can handle this much  longer unfortunately....this could be the end of me...if she chooses to leave ill have no choice but to....

I don't blame her...far from it I instead blame myself whole heartedly and accept all that is coming to me.

please save me

I always knew that it would come to this staring down my own death but i wanted to do it alone with no attachments. But i found her and now i feel obligated to live but i feel like i cant break this cycle...i need to live,in fact i want to live but im finding it very hard to change everything between my mom and my doctors have forced me to psychologically block myself into my own death and now its getting to late to change and i dont know if i will live to see the day when me and "she" have a child and we have the life we always wanted.....i want to change but i feel alone and dont know if i can do it