Mask of velonica

As of late my stress level has grown exponentially and unfortunately my body is reacting in a bad way...night terrors are getting worse with the stress not to mention my emotions are spiraling out of control. I feel like I'm not the man Katie wants me to be and that she would rather have someone more stable in their lives(health, wealth ect.) i know I'm probably wrong but it's just the feeling I have and it bothers me even if I'm not thinking about it.
I know I'm supposed to just accept that she loves me and I do it's not that I don't know that she loves me because I know she does it's weather or not I deserve her love I've fucked up quite a few times in this relationship and I don't know if she trusts me fully or weather I'm just walking around half trusted and such.

All in all I guess I'm more worried she will realize that she can do better and leave me it's always been a fear of mine and will always be a fear of mine because along with that she would join the night terrors that haunt me so much and I don't think I could mentally and physically handle that. I just don't know anymore 

And a 1 and a 2 and a....WTF GUYS SERIOUSLY!

I call gawd damn shannanagins on this whole fucking situation ive invested so much of my fucking time into this trip and all ive gotten out of it is a major migraine and bitchy people.
For those of you who aren't following i am planning the anime boston trip for my friends this year and as usual people are being fucking stupid about everything. thought i had a hotel nope thought we had transportation figured out nope thought everything was good but apparently no one trusts me. I mean dont get me wrong my wonderful girlfriend has my back but far from that im pretty much standing alone at this podium waiting for my own demise here. so lets summarize real quick....1.stupid issues 2.hotel issues 3.A lack of trust in their leader.

For those of my friends who will read this (kat,hayden) i miss you guys and any advice would be most welcomed from you guys

Never would have though i"d come this far just to bow to this

I guess it's been awhile since I've talked like this but bear with me as I explain exactly how the past few weeks went down.

I found out that my girlfriend wanted to break up with me because of the way i was treating my own body...valid reason seeing as I am a brittle diabetic and have spent most of my life in turmoil with this disease but, I'm trying I really am over the past few weeks I've gotten better with taking my shots but today I almost had a seizure and that scares me more than anything.I realized that Everyone's there to support me and i just need to carry on. I know my depressions back and im worried that itll break us up......i just am so confused and need help which ill get i just dont know anymore

One last moon

simple....she no longer feels I'm a viable partner because Ive accepted death as an all to real reality for me but I'm not giving up yet I'm trying but the more i read how shes feels the worse off i feel my depression is in high gear and has been since September but i havens let on and its only made worse by my own head when i read about  how shes torn between breaking up with me because she wants a viable future or staying with me because she still feels for me. I've never been one to force anyone to make a decision but this waiting in my own head is killing me and i just don't know if i can handle this much  longer unfortunately....this could be the end of me...if she chooses to leave ill have no choice but to....

I don't blame her...far from it I instead blame myself whole heartedly and accept all that is coming to me.

please save me

I always knew that it would come to this staring down my own death but i wanted to do it alone with no attachments. But i found her and now i feel obligated to live but i feel like i cant break this cycle...i need to live,in fact i want to live but im finding it very hard to change everything between my mom and my doctors have forced me to psychologically block myself into my own death and now its getting to late to change and i dont know if i will live to see the day when me and "she" have a child and we have the life we always wanted.....i want to change but i feel alone and dont know if i can do it

Nothing big everything expendable

Ive only begun to realize how bad an idea it was to leave "the door" open i guess they were waiting for me to slip up never again will i let this happen the problem though is closing the door ive spent years of my life trying to keep them at bay but more and more kept coming through the door i never stopped fighting i never stopped drawing my blades to these hellish nightmareish creatures but eventually i just couldnt fight anymore and now with the brink of a new dawn on my horizon i only wish for the world to bring back my peace

In other words....it'll never be as it was evre again

Everyone keeps asking me how im doing and where im staying...all i want to say is im alone in this world filled with people im staying in a place that feels like darkness and tears of the fallen loved ones all around the world. Let me be more specific...im homeless just lost my grandmother and my depression and night terrors have made a huge comeback and i can't seem to shake this feeling like im doomed not in that perverbial like "my life sucks" way but more like "im going to die all of a sudden"...while on more than my fair share of occasions ive welcomed that idea ive never enjoyed the idea of leaving my friends or the love of my life behind in the wake of my passing even though i know one day i will pass without warning...leaving now would be like leaving a boss fight in the middle of the breaking point. there are certain people id like to mention here Kat, Hayden, Katie, Brandi, John, Brett, Roger, Danni, Ruby, Mikey and yes even Dominique you all have effected me in the best ways some more than others but you've all always had my back in one way or another...(if i missed you sorry) for a select few of you...you all knew how bad things were for me but you did what i asked and treated me no different for how weak i truely was...but as i grew stronger no i didnt i only hid from what was hurting me and right now at this very moment all i want to do is go to the top of a tall building stand near the ledge and scream till my lungs bleed...scream until even the darkness cowers in a corner because of my fear inducing screams