Another white room sterile of emotions

I fucked up I lead one women on while being with another intentional or not this falls on me to deal with, no amount of sorry or anything will solve the bullshit I've piled up but the only way I can really deal with this is by causing myself pain like I did her the only problem is all that will get me is a trip to another hospital room....

If it doesn't hurt physically prepaid for the emotional wreckage

All I want is for things to be a little easier than they are, is that too much to ask, and before you guys get all rhetorical and whatnot I know the answer is yes that is too much to ask. I love her I really do but do I hurt her more then I help her, the answer is yes, I've watched from my own eyes as I've said I'm helping but only hurt her.

I know for all the bitching and moaning I've done about her you'd think that I would absolve myself of all fault in this relationship but guess what nope, I choose to hurt myself to bring myself to the verge of death and back because well, I crave the attention well not the attention but I need to know I matter and that people care. 

When it comes down to it I really want to build up the courage to kill myself not because of anyone but because I myself have out lived my purpose and have over stayed my welcome on this world....I can only hurt I can never bring joy or happiness or anything like that, all I can offer is anger, sadness and pain.....please forgive me everyone for all I've done I will alleviate myself from you soon just give me some time.... 

Well if I can't say it with a scream maybe a whisper will do

You take the Internet away congrats, I still need an out let for all of the dark and otherwise angry feelings inside me, you want to know why I got defensive because I feel like I have to check in with you now every time I go out and no I didn't fucking drink because I wanted to go out and enjoy myself without alcohol you want to spend time with me yet you act distant I ask you what's wrong and I get the figity nothing response when I know something's wrong, you tell people I'm an asshole but act nice to me, you wonder why I'm confused and that's why! I've already admitted that I cheated and I know the trust is gone but if your just playing with me to get some enjoyment out of my tourture just fucking end it, maybe if you'd stop playing mind games and realize I'm trying to let you think and have brain space you wouldn't be so pissed off.

All time low

Things are getting better.....then why is it that I wake up with tears in my eyes feeling empty, am I really as broken as I thought and if so will she grow bored of this broken toy, I know I'm probably over thinking things but I'm so used to people leaving because of me that I'm on edge every time something even slightly goes off kilter, I know I'm easily replaced I understand that fact but she's not and I know I should bring this fact to her all of this in fact but for some reason I can't put this into verbal words, it flows so much easier when I'm writing.

I wonder if in her head I'm her antidote or if I'm just the poison in a pretty bottle, I question that every day: am I hurting her or am I helping, am I the reason she cries or am I the reason her tears dry up.....I guess I'm not sleeping because I'm to busy destroying myself.....how much longer will I last before the final pillar falls and all that's left is rubble and an empty husk who no longer breaths, laughs, cries, whose only place is being left to the wind because he's ashes. The funny thing is time will only tell but by that time it will be to late.

The waiting game....

You have every right to make me wait for an answer, what scares me the most though, the fact that you don't know how you feel about me and our relationship....it feels like there's and elephant on my chest and I can't get up...my nerves on edge and every muscle in my body tense...I may seem relaxed or angry but in all honesty I'm scared to death that you've realized that I'm no good and that your done with me....only time will tell

A definite drop down the rabbit hole....

She seems fine....I seem fine.

All I wanted to do is figure out what was going on but it's like I opened Pandora's box, for three years we've loved, fought, laughed, cried and experienced the entire range of emotions together....could it be that it's actually coming to an end or could it be that at the end of this we come out stronger and better than before.....I know I love her, and she loves me but is love enough to keep us strong or has something happened that will undo all of this, all three years of this in one swoop.

If this is a sign, please kill me now...

Lets just start out by saying yes I did cheat by sending nudes to a girl a few months ago and yes I did tell a girl I want in a relationship a few weeks ago, yes I am a piece of shit and yes, most if not all of my relationship issues are my fault and in the end I wouldn't blame her if she cheated on me....I think what hurts the most is slowly realizing the abusive pattern we've fallen into....we fight, make up, things get better for a bit and then something(usually me) triggers another fight....I want the cycle to stop but there are only two ways to stop it and one of them ends with two broken hearts.....how do I fix myself, how do I stop myself from being a horrible person.....