And this is where it gets awkward

So just because I want to get this out there because I don't think I can tell anyone about this.....I suck at sex sure I talk a big game but I've just gotten lucky A LOT my diabetes becomes a huge handicap because if I'm not on point with everything then my sex drive plummets and I start losing we shall say "abilities" and I feel embarrassed and self conscious and in the end it makes me not want to have sex even more then there's the whole I don't (believe) I'm satisfying my partner, I'm a "quick study" but she takes time and I feel horrible when I can't give her what she wants. At the same time has growing up with this looming cloud of what sex SHOULD be warped my perception of what sex actually is, am I in all reality perfectly fine the way I am......I don't know and all I do know is that I don't feel normal in this sense.

I am the knife

I'm not here to make anyone feel bad or upset anyone, this time I'm here to just state how I'm feeling and leave it at that.
Between not sleeping much at all, my night terrors worsening, and feeling like and utter failure as a boyfriend I'm beginning to thing I've finally lost it....I've failed to make her believe that she's a princess,to show her how important she is to not just me but everyone around her. She wants me to move hours away so that ill have a stable place to live...but what she forgets time after time is that home is where the heart is and my heart is where ever she is. Yes I'm stressed and slightly depressed and not sleeping and not eating and aggravated and ready to pull my fucking hair out but after two years the one constant that I've wanted in my life is her.

I know you'll read this and be upset but I'm not blaming you at all for anything I'm just afraid that your keeping me at arms length and that ill lose you because I'll shut down and eventually just stop being me...I love you and NOTHING will change that I just fear I'm losing you.

Win or lose its how the game plays you

You never really understand how much of a fucking loser you are until you realize your two years out of high school and all you've managed to do is accrue medical bills and become homeless twice over. I love my girlfriend and she's done so much for me and makes me feel awesome (I know that sounds stupid but I'm exhausted and running off like no sleep bear with me) . My friends as a whole have also done so much for me and I thank them while heartedly. Brandi, Hayden, Jessie, Ruby, Danni the lot of you have helped me out in so many different ways and I can't thank you guys enough.

And just for all you who read this when I say "win or lose its how the game plays you" I'm referring to not letting life dictate what and who you become because in the end most people lose themselves in the day to day.

I leave you with this quote because this is one of the few truths in the world.
"I hate that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live."

Enter the zanpaktou rebellion

Things have been rough no doubt and I get it....I'm just as bad as he is sometimes with the bashing of people and for that fact I'm sorry, I'm trying to lay off and just let whatever negative feelings I have for him roll away because my feelings for you are greater and will always be greater than whatever hatred or anger I hold towards him.
I know things get shaky and we fight sometimes and we get on each others nerves and such but what couple doesn't have these problems especially because we've been living in each others pockets for several months, we were bound to fight and get upset then add on the fact that our respective friends don't get along that ads more pressure and fuel to the fire and then there (was) my jealousy towards him it just seemed like he was getting more of your time and attention then I was and I know this isn't a competition to see who can get more of your attention but I can't help but get frustrated because well my track record speaks for itself most people use me as a "gateway" boyfriend so they can get what they really want or who in these situations, now I'm not saying your like everyone else but what I am saying is I scare easily and I worry about losing you every day because you'll find someone better than me...because in the end I may be one of a kind but that makes me a lot easier to forget.
Now just so I'm being as clear as I hope I'm being
1.I love you and will always love you.
2.I may hate him but he is your best friend and I can respect that.
3.We may fight but even in those times of arguing my love for you never weans.
4.You are the most beautiful women (both inside and out) I have ever had the grace of laying my eyes on.

I love you and I hope this gets to you soon.

Why can't you just accept my love.

So it's come to this why can't you just accept my love it's like after two years you'd think that ya know we'd have some sort of trust but because of John and everyone else manipulating you because at this point thats what it is. I love you but I need some privacy and that's what tumblr and facebook is for me and by invading it you betrayed my trust and let me say something I looked at your facebook and you flipped and told me that it wasn't fucking ok so I backed off and gave you your space and respected your space but apparently my space is free to invade so what the fuck is it you want me to leave? you want me to just dissapear because thats whats going to happen if you dont stop pushing me away. MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND OTHERWISE THE EVENTUAL END OF OUR RELATIONSHIP IS NIGH.

So this be the final stand

You want a break, but you don't want a break....I'm trying to be the person you want me to be but why does it seem no one listens, does no one have patience, time these things take time to work and I especially will take time to get a hold of these things but it seems at every turn I'm wrong, it seems that I only let you down, disappoint, upset, or anger you and the things your friends say hurt too. Are you afraid of intimacy with me, do I disgust you, or is it just simply the fact that you don't believe me when I look into your eyes and tell you that you're so beautiful. I'm tired, broken, wilting, crumbling under the pressure and the intense pain of not knowing what your going to do I love you nothing will change that and somehow I think you know that which is why you do what you do because my love is never waning. I guess all I can do now is sit and watch like a small child as you ponder over your desicion.   

I guess I'm just not what she needs.....

She's right I'm a small child no adult....and it's my fault she hurts herself. Every time I think about us I realize everything is my fault and I can't help but realize that I am the worst kind of person....maybe I should just...disappear because it's killing me to see her hurt at my hands....I hope we can get past all the problems we have.....