Loop me through infinity back into my grave

It's very simple we fought,I left,I came back,We loved being in each others arms again but I can't help but have that thought in the back of my head....John someone I used to be really good friends with has become one of my worst enemies because he has liked my girlfriend since he met her back in December,The things he does most of the time piss me off. He one ups me and basically has almost filled my position in Kaites life he makes her laugh,smile,happy in general things I have lost the ability to do. I don't know what to do because well.... latley I've been neglecting my own health to help everyone else. I'm at a point where I'm planning the least painful way to kill myself and I've come to the conclusion that I'll just take a bunch of sleeping medications and drift off to sleep one final time.

Katie- None of this is your fault in fact I blame myself wholeheartedly for this happening. I wish you nothing but happiness and good tidings in your life. I know It's going to hurt but It's not that I don't love you because I do really love you so much but when you see how close death is like I do you can't help but give up...I screwed up my one and only chance to be with you. I hope you understand that I'll miss you everyday and I hope you can forgive me for this.....I love you Catherine Rae Wilcox You will always be my one true love.

Hayden/Kat/Brandi-You guys are the are what friends should aspire to be. Hayden, In the time we've known each other we've learned to read each other like a book and I can't thank you enough for helping me as much as you have I wish things didn't have to come to this but I've lost my way and this is the only path I've found. Kat....I'm crying writing this especially this part because as my sister this is going to hurt you a lot...I couldn't have asked for a better friend,sister,companion and confidant for the past 10 years....I'm sorry I had to leave like this. Brandi, again ten years have gone by since we first met. There are things that you know about me that most people don't and what hurts me about this is having to leave my sister behind...I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you. I'll never forget the pokemans,digimans,Bleach,Hetalia,Doctor Who,MLP,Zombies or anything else we enjoyed together. I'm sorry guys.

All my friends/family-I'm sorry I couldn't handle it but after all of the comments from doctors and such I just can't handle it anymore I tried but I couldn't handle it...please live like I taught you to I want you all to be successful don;t let a single person tell you no you can't because I know you can!

-Will-
I hereby leave my belongings to 1)Catherine Rae Wilcox 2)Kat Rose Radamaker 3)Brandi Lee Peake 4)Hayden Alton Sanford 5)Danni Rae Underhill 6)Dan Anderson. These people can disrtibute them as they see fit. I wish to be cremated and have my ashes spread over Shibuya Station in Shibuya,Tokyo,Japan. that is all I hope everyone can forgive me.

I have failed

So i am moving out of my girlfriends house and the whole reasoning is basically i am wrong i will always be wrong and as a person i am made wrong so until i can be right i might aswell have lost her to him

Time of dying....

I've come to this point where I am....well ready to die every time this has come up I've berried it and now I just can't hold this in anymore I want to die because I can't provide for her, I can't make her happy I've failed her. It's basically like this I love her so much that if I lose her I will have no choice but to end my life.....I love you all but I can't handle this...

Wild ones

So I've been out of commision for about  a week now and its killing me to not see katie and to be stuck in a room all day....A few of my biggest problems here are :My manager being fucking bi polar with the shit shes saying to and about me, the pain deciding to fuck with me, and everyone told me i should quit but now all of a sudden i shouldnt cause well just cause this shit has to stop make up my mind because obviously whatever i choose will be wrong.

second off ive lost track of my insulin again but im trying to get back on it i just keep coming down on myself so hard and it didnt help when the doc weighed me i lost 20lbs i guess im just doomed to fail.

Dilly Dally Shilly Shally

Never thought I'd feel this stupid ever I merely suggested that moving away from this hell hole would be a great fucking idea seeing as all the problems we have are here but, alas I was once again wrong for trying to think of a way to save US from all the unneeded bullshit that goes down on this sandbar we call an island. She doesn't want to and I can see it in her eyes every time I say something about it. All she had to say was "I don't really wanna move, I love my family too much to leave." and I would've been fine with it but yet again I had to sit and watch her face as I talked to see that she didn't want anything to do with my idea...This is not to say we aren't getting along because we are really well it's just when she chooses to share things with other people instead of me It upsets me, it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me and worst of all it belittles me in a bad way. I miss how life used to be my good friends were still here and around all the time while drama was high it was dealt with swiftly and with a sense of urgency...Now I'm pretty much alone few friends to speak of and endless waves of drama keep flowing in. I'm drowning and all I really want is to go back to when my life made sense...I'm 19 soon to be 20 and I feel trapped by this man-made shit hole we call home....I wanna leave,take off just never look back but...shes tethered here by her family and plethora of friends,so while she shines bright I'll just sit here and fade into obscurity or better yet I'll actually go through with offing myself...maybe it's for the best....I just don't know anymore  

Never thought i would come this close to losing her

I don;t know exactly what to say here other than i guess I'm just really fucking up hard like horribly hard so much so that I'm close to losing the best thing that has ever happened to me and if that happens i will follow through with my suicide attempt this time because i don't wanna live if my heart is broken this time because there wont be anything left to put back together...shes asleep now and i told her i wouldn't ever read her facebook messages again and I'm not going to break that promise. I know my own insecurities are getting in the way but I'm trying to put them aside its hard for me but I'm trying really hard. i guess the only way to end this post is with some song lyrics and a promise that I'm going to go for a walk and maybe ill get what i deserve delivered in the form of a car speeding down a residential area and plowing me down.

I don't wanna lose you by Jamestown Story
"I've been losing sleep for a while now
Thinkin' about us
And its hard to pretend that we're doing okay
When we're not
And its killing me slowly

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

You've been losing faith
For a while now
And I'm lost for words
And for we are having problems
If you are willing we can solve them
In time
I'm just begging you to try

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
Please don't walk away
I need you to stay
To get through
Somethings gotta give

I hope we can get passed all the problems have
And let go
cause I still believe we have the chance

I need you in my life
Or I'm not alright
So don't walk away
I won't be okay if you do
I just don't wanna lose you

Everynight I dream about the days you and I
Both seem so happy
If only I knew what we'd go through to get here"

PLease read this baby and know I love you and I'm sorry

a month of pain and self hatred

Apparently im just thee stupidest motherfucker on this planet because well i am im slowly losing  myself in all the drama and right now i feel like im losing her and everything i know to be true. Ive said things that as they leave my mouth i regret yes but why is it that youd all rather just sit there and hide shit like how you really didnt appreciate that comment i just maid. youd all rather hide and then when i find out you get upset....well how do you think i feel when i find out that most of my friends "tolerate" my stupid petty ass...it doesnt help my feeling of loneliness and being left alone...if you guys dont want me around so be it ill leave you guys to trash me and my name and i wont even bat and eye because its what you guys want. my entire life all ive wanted to do is belong but apparently im asking to much of everything in this world...I love Catherine Rae Wilcox with all my heart and will always love her.....i guess im just getting to this point in my life where i find out if i can really fly or weather im just doomed to fall to my death....im the worst kind of person and now im finding out ill probably never change because assholes like me dont change pieces of scum low down shit dont get a second chance i never will. Ive always wondered what people would say if i died and now im realizing the few people who would be there might be sad but most would express joy towards my timely demise and departure from this floating rock. I will go silent around everyone i might utter a few words to a few people but the most anyone will hear from me is "Hi welcome to hess how may i help you?" I have apparently stranded myself in the middle of no where with nothing no one and absolutely no reason to carry on except her she makes me wanna get up in the morning to live but apparently thats not a good thing im sorry that shits been bad for me im doing the best i can to make the best out of what ive been given but its not easy i wont stop loving you no matter what and i want you to see that but it hurts when i spill what ive been holding in and it means nothing...i guess for now ill just take it and hide it all away again and see how well that works....no words no motions just a blank slate of emotionless face...here we go one last go around....im sorry that ive let you all down....