Reading those words only made it more real that, I had in fact lost the best thing in my life.
By no means do I expect her to take me back.....What I do hope for is a friendship....but again I don't expect it. Will it hurt and will it take awhile for me to not see her in the way I do and have for almost four years absolutely. I have to live with what I did and the fucked up part is that I won't ever forgive myself for this, like so many other things I will continue to punish myself day in and day out until one day I feel I have been justly punished. I understand that you can't believe that I love you if I did what I did but, I do and I will always, It's not that I refuse to move on....it's that you opened me up and I gave away a piece of myself to you and to know that you've packed up the roses and all the memories of us, hurts more then any words I can think of can describe. Do I hope one day that we might get a second chance, absolutely with every broken fiber of my being do I wish for that. There aren't words that I can muster to apologize for what happened....I'm not trying to play the victim and this isn't a ploy for attention but right now I feel so alone, so secluded within my own mental prison that I want to turn to you....but I can't and I almost feel as if it would be better for me to just disappear, you would be free without me around and everyone could happily move on knowing I'm not around to fuck everything up.....I know you want to move away and I understand why, but will I lose even the friendship if you do....
I wonder if maybe I bleed and I hurt if something in the universe will bring you back to me, that maybe if I break not only my mental but physical being maybe something will take pity on me and bring you back to me. I write these words as a confession and as a guiding light into the shadows, because I will now fade back into where I was when you found me, in the obscurity of the betwixt. I will watch you ascend into the light and smile faintly because you have finally taken your place among the shining light of life.
I....want to die, no matter how numb I want to be I can't, no matter how much I don't want to feel all of these things I have to....maybe if I were to follow through it would help maybe you and everyone else would finally forgive me....and even if that weren't the case, I'd at least have the satisfaction of knowing everyone wouldn't have to be held back by me any more.
I can't sleep, without seeing you without talking to you, my nightmares will haunt me for years about all of this....I don't know if you want me to talk to you about how I feel, hell I don't know what to talk to you about most times.....I want to make myself better but more than that I want to erase myself from this world.
I honestly don't know what else to say, I just want to hug you and cry......
