Into the nothing....

All i can think of is that dark place i went when i died it was so calming and peaceful and i loved it but coming back to the darkness in my own life has been hard. its almost like everything has a lessened effect on me unless it means something to me. I guess with everything thats been going on as of late i just feel like i want to fade back there bc nothing was stressful or dramatized or difficult there i could just die in peace...i know thats bad but what am i supposed to do just never think negitivly? I just want life to come together to not be so fuckin hard anymore but i guess thats just a tad to much to ask so maybe ill just let myself die bc it seems like the world wants me too otherwise this wouldnt be so fucking hard...I love her and i wouldnt want to do anything to hurt her but unfortunatley taking my life might be the only way to save myself....ive become a burden on those around me i have to beg and barrow to get most of what i need and i hate myself for it....im such a loser for all of this i cant take care of myself i cant get a job i cant satisfy anyone and the worst part is ive let everyone down.All i can think of is how everyone will be expecting me to die and if thats the truth i should just roll over and die....i should just except that im going to die and die its that simple let me walk into the nothing and fade from everyones mind alot of my friends right now would disagree now but in a month or so when ive had to barrow constently theyre gunna want me gone and its just that simple. Ive just lost all hope in myself and i know she thinks different but i love her and shes better off without a drain like me in fact i might just drop off the face of the earth and die alone in a coma somewhere where i can be eaten by animals so no one has to spend another dime on me bc itll just be the easiest thing for everyone.....i bid thee a fond farewell....

These are the first few steps on the longest journey

I may have only been alive for 18 years but let me fill you in on a little secret I've learned more in my 18 years than most people learn in a lifetime. As a child i struggled with being super awkward and really anti-social but i made friends only to hide stuff from them... the abuse i suffered was crippling most of it mental and emotional but there was physical and it only started the steady downfall of the broken man you see before you. I for the longest time hid my pain and suffering from people by learning to read them and take on there problems no matter what it cost me i did this until the fateful day came when i was diagnosed with diabetes and death came knocking on my door....i had died and the place i went to was so dark and so lonely but i felt at peace floating on that black water on that raft until those flashes of light brought me back to the world. I was put in a room with a kid who had cancer and in the time i spent at the hospital in Boston he died in the middle of the night that was the first time i never knew someone long but he had a profound effect on my life. over the next few years i faced discrimination and hatred from everyone it destroyed me to the point where i didnt even know who i was anymore. My father was in jail for the better part of my childhood and i was also taken away from my parents for a period of time. All of these events have messed with me so much and taken such a profound effect of how i am that i couldn't begin to explain the differences that have occurred. We have come to the first rest stop on my ever expanding journey